If I Could Fade Away

If I could fade away

• by Teapotjan, 21 minutes, 4s ago

If I could fade away from this place, this earth, this mortal vale.
And leave behind no tears, no sorrow, no regret, no fail.
I would.
I would fade away and fade, until vapor marked my final tear,
And be not sad, not hurt, not mortal, not . . . .here.
I should.
I should not feel this way at night, in the morning, and the in betweens.
My own self wars against me, and loses, and wins, and screams.
I could.
I could leave, but the leaving would be like a slash in time.
And I would cause tears, and sorrows, and regrets not mine.
I won't.
I won't fade away until God erases my breath, my heart, my place.
I'll stay and work and live in Grace.
I'll wait.

RIP Robin Williams.

Teapotjan

Teapot Tedium

This summer has been a time of reflection, rumination, and the resulting melancholy that a mind like mine always seems to sink into when reflecting,and ruminating.

There has been change that heralds further change: some good, some bad, and some that completely fills me with uncertainty and dread. But through all of this, one thing remains constant and unchanging, the love and grace of the God of creation.

I've often said that my favorite attribute of God is His immutability. Humans have their ups and downs. Our daily routine, in spite of the mundane nature of the term, can send our spirits soaring or plunge our souls into darkness. We develop from innocent, helpless, small beings into flawed adults with emotional baggage and ridiculous expectations in less than twenty years. Friends come, and go. Loved ones visit, grow older, and pass from our lives into eternity. We live in a constant state of change even when life seems tedious. All the while, God watches, unchanging and and unsurprised.

                                                      Overwhelmed_by_marjol3in

Speaking of tedious, the past week or so has defined the word "tedious." One occurrence after another led me to question God. Have I not learned enough? Am I not patient and kind? Is this really what you want for me? Can happiness not last more than a few minutes? Must reality step up immediately and slap us in the face? I want to be happy. I'm tired of crying. If things must change, why can't I have the change that I want? 

Many questions, some doubt, a lot of hurt, and disappointment. This isn't the first week in my life that has been tedious, and it won't be the last. So, how to hang on? 

And then, reminded by the Holy Spirit, I remember: 

As tedious and difficult that our time on earth might seem, even as the day grows longer, and the tears flow, and the losses seem unbearable, in the light of eternity these days are nothing. NOTHING. For those who believe in God's plan, and His gift of salvation, this is as bad as it will ever get. Our worse day on this planet defines our worse day in all of eternity. 

That doesn't mean that these days aren't hard. 

And with my flawed memory,  I will need reminding again and again. 

But when the realization of that truth washes over me, it feels like a breeze holding the promise of a cool night on a very hot day. 

It shines through my dark clouds of depression like a lighthouse marking my home in the distance. 

I'm not yet comfortable all the time, and I'm not home yet. But I see it ahead. Our unchanging, loving God waits there. He knows my path. He knows I struggle. He loves me. 

Looking ahead,

Teapotjan

Teapot's Resolution

The Place I Should Stand

Janet Lindsey O'Brien

Grasping an arm. 

Clutching a hand. 

But still being pulled from the place I should stand. 

Being pushed by the longings that tear at my heart,

and the knowledge that leaving could be a new start. 

I want that life. 

I want to be me. 

No voice to say "wait."

I want to be free. 

To live in the now, and learn from before, and look to tomorrow with promise of more. 

But…

The arm leads to shoulder, 

The hand wears a band. 

The voice calls "I love you" from the place I should stand. 

Promises made. Promises kept. 

The shoulder is wet, 

with the tears I have wept. 

I'll stay in the place I promised to be. 

But that pulling and pushing shook something big free. 

I'll stay in this place, but I can't be the same. 

There'll be no more waiting. 

I won't play that game. 

I want the support of that arm, hand and voice. 

But if it's not there, I chosen my choice. 

I'll act on my own while I stand in my place, 

And I'll fight to be me and set my own pace. 

Squeezing an arm. 

Holding a hand. 

Still staying put in the place I should stand. 

I can be me, and he can be he. 

And my pushing and pulling brings that new start to me!

With love,

Teapotjan