A Teapot in the Dark

In my last regular post, I ended again with that long walk to my van. Faith gone. Disillusioned. Crying. Frightened. In spite of the bright August sun, I was in the dark. I didn't know anyone or anyplace I could look for guidance. All of my regular sources bore the stench of betrayal, and I turned inward.

I feebly attempted to appear happy. It was nice to stay at home, but I grew restless quickly. I tried to make up for the loss of income by clipping coupons, and looking for deals. And I learned that I HATED clipping coupons. (Seriously, still do). I started working fervently on a wedding for a friend, and that became a welcome distraction, but I still felt sick at heart, and numb. Numb, at least until the realization of what had happened in a place that I had loved and defended for years washed over me. So I capitulated between disinterest, empty euphoria, and tears. 

I had a health issue that had grown worse during the year or so before that made my emotions all the more volatile. After a falling out with the bride I was helping, I turned over all the work I had done, and was not able to see the fruits of my labor at the wedding. And, honestly, the dark got even darker. And I was bitter, bitter, bitter, and so sad. God had deserted me. I was sure of this. And Satan whispered often to me that I was of no worth, and that God was distant and uncaring.

There were many conversations with acquaintances that ended in "If you could just pray and find a good church, you will be so much better." At that point they might have well told me to slather my self in syrup and stand on ant hill. Prayers ended in tears and bitterness, and church services? They turned my stomach. "All these stupid people gobbling this stuff up. What have they done differently than me? Just wait. You'll all find out just how futile all of this is." This inner monologue went on and on. I am still grateful that no one could read my mind. It all just. . . . hurt, both physically and mentally.

It would be a wonderful thing to say that all of this is now resolved, and that every, single day I am a happy, giddy Christian flitting about Greenville with wings strengthened by God's grace, but that's a lie. Many days are still dark. The story of my dark times continues, but I will soon share what God does for a sad, short, stout gal who has lost her faith, and trust.

Even as I write this, my heart heaves with a recent, new hurt, and my emotional state is, let's say "fragile." (Goodness-I do seem to cry in some way with every single emotion. I am soooo not a Vulcan). I struggle with a loss of support from someone close to me. I know that God sent that person along to help me during the dark times after leaving Bob Jones. But, for now, due to a transgression on my part, that support is gone, and I'm not sure I will ever gain it back. 

I say that not to discourage, but to share a lesson I am learning right now, in this moment. Because God did bring me through those dark times before, and

He did show me the light even when I tried to close my eyes tight and turn away, I know that He is still there. He does still care. I know what my heart wants, but I am willing to follow Him, even if it pulls me away from people very dear to me. No, I don't want that to happen. Not. At. All. But God sees all, and He will provide what I need. He is never the problem. It's me. But, He loves me anyway. That's pretty amazing. 

So, my plan in my next post is to share a few more details of my lessons learned, and how God works in those details.

Prayers for all of you.

Serve God. Love others.

Teapotjan

The Teapot Has Left the Bubble! A Look Back

Way back at the start of spring before weddings, and graduations, and broken air conditioners, and cars that wouldn't start, and a few weeks with a sweet friend with Alzheimer's, and the loss of a beloved aunt, I wrote a blog about how some happenings had triggered a return of an old enemy: bitterness.

All the things in that list, along with a few recent ponderings brought that post back to mind, along with that same old feeling, along with its more malicious buddies, guilt and self-doubt. I think these three emotions are some of Satan's most malicious weapons in the lives of Christians.

If you know me, or have read any of my posts, you know that I have physically stepped away from the IFB (Independent Fundamental Baptist) movement and all of the churches, speakers, and groups similar to or related to them. In fact, four years ago on August 27th, 2011, I walked out of the entrance building on the campus of Bob Jones University, leaving behind a job of 11 years, and a lifetime of IFB mentality. The Bubble surrounding the university and all of its satellite churches, had popped for me, and the regular world loomed before me. And, as I walked to my vehicle, my faith in God dropped out from under me.

I was scared. I was angry. I felt betrayed, abused, used, stupid, and very, very alone. And that's where I left that post long ago back in April.If God had not smothered me in His grace, I'm not entirely sure I'd be alive to write this post. That was not a good state for someone who already battled clinical depression.
The problem was, and still is at times, that much of what I had been taught all my life had been man's opinion of God's Word. I had based my life choices on these teachings. I worked at being the "ideal Christian" daughter, teen, college student, wife, school teacher, and mom. When I failed, as I often did, the guilt could be overwhelming. It seemed incredibly difficult to be what God wanted me to be-futile really. But, I was assured Sunday after Sunday that this was the way a Christian's life should be spent: in a desperate struggle to attain Christlikeness. Cue the song "I've Got the Joy-Joy-Joy-Joy Down in My Heart" in a minor key.

Oh the guilt, the wretched, wretched guilt. Not repentance. Just a hopeless feeling of guilt of not being good enough. Of failing yet again. Paying for a moment of what I thought was guilty pleasure with far more guilt than pleasure. 

On the way home today, I had a flash back when Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs" came floating out of my van speakers. I instinctively reached out to change the station because that song had been "uncheckable" since 1975 until about 2011 for me. I laughed, and then listened to this "evil" song that had I listened to only when my parents, pastor, and teachers would not know of my grave indiscretion. Some of you may think I'm exaggerating, but those who grew up as I did know that I truly am not.

And then? As I continued to listen to the innocuous, but "uncheckable" lyrics, I became bitter. Just for a moment. But there it was. Flashes of the lecture on the evils of rock and pop music ran through my mind. Good grief! What a religion to cause good-hearted, God-loving people to feel guilty over listening to anything

secular besides very old songs,opera and classical music! How does that help the cause of the Gospel?

The answer is that it does not. If Satan can use guilt to cripple one of God's children to the point of hopelessness, then he has scored a victory. A hopeless, guilty Christian will never be as effective in God's service as a Christian who has embraced the full knowledge of God's grace. And after enough years of guilt, and failure? Cue the self-doubt.

I remember thinking as a young mother that I failed my children everyday that they didn't go over their verses for Awana, or when I was just too tired to get to church on my own. (My husband's schedule has always been difficult, so I was often a "single" mom through no fault of his). I also remember, the passive-aggressive suggestions from leaders in the church and their wives that I surely could do better in my attendance, all the while never offering to help or making one phone call for encouragement. Hmmmm. That's another blog post right there.
I wallowed in self-doubt. I asked for help, and I was told to "believe and pray." I already was. But, I thought I must be doing that wrong, too. Yay! Guilt AND self-doubt. Satan delivered his one-two punch, and I was down for the count.

This is getting long, but up next, is that walk to my van.   

Prayers and blessings,

Teapotjan

Picket Fences and Rainbows, Part Two

As mentioned in the first part of "Picket Fences and Rainbows" I've been walking down some of the darker paths of my memories. There's been some sorting and categorizing, and a lot of pondering this week. I apparently touched a nerve with many, and I think I'll poke a few more this week.

Looking back at many of the things I thought I HAD to do in order to be a good Christian this week, I've been angry, guilty, sad, and giggly. Here's some of the things I recall, and I'd love to hear from you and some of your "had-tos." These are not universally from all fundamental churches and schools, but these are some of the things that I have heard or experienced in my fifty-three years.

1. House must be clean at all times in case company came over in order to not have a bad testimony. Yes, I heard this preached from a pulpit more than once.

2. Dresses, and skirts all of the time for us gals. If you were wearing pants around the house, and company came over, you changed while someone appropriately dressed answered the door.

3. Church attendance "every time the doors opened" unless you were dead, in the hospital, or dead. I have to confess that as a teen I found church very, very boring, but I went anyways because I had to.

4. Clothes that didn't "cup" any body part, even a little. I seriously heard one very embarrassed lady speaker say that we really shouldn't appear to have round breasts or hips. 

5. Don't question God's anointed, meaning only the pastor or evangelist or missionary that preached. And I have so many things that wished I had questioned back in those days.

6. At one point, no wire rim glasses for men because that's what "hippies like Jon Lennon wore."

7. From another preacher, around the same time, no big, plastic glass frames because of that "Elton" rock musician.

8. One terrible piece of women's clothing: hose. I personally believe that panty hose were invented by a very angry man who hated women and his lecherous brother who was secretly a "leg man."

9. No current secular music, at all. It should be at least a decade old, and then listen only if it fit the approved style, beat, words, etc.

10. God's anointed apparently required much nicer cars than a lay person because they drove so much. (This one really gets me, when I realize that many usually sent deacons, and junior pastors to do the visiting).

11. Door to door witnessing and visitation. I can't say that this was entirely bad, but saying that everyone should be ashamed if they didn't do this on a regular basis? What about family life?

12. Leading at least one soul to Christ a year, preferably one a month or more.

13. Remembering the exact date and time and place and outfit and every detail about when you were saved.

14. 1611 KING JAMES VERSION. I am still hearing preachers on the radio say that if you were not saved through the KJV, then you should question your salvation. I. AM. NOT. MAKING. THIS. UP. Pretty sad for all those non-english speaking folks, am I right?

15. And suits and ties for the men, the male equivalent of wearing hose. Every service, every visitation, every speaking engagement except at a Christian camp when jeans became temporarily acceptable.

16. Speaking of jeans--just no. Not for women-ever, and most men-unless they were needed at work. Denim was for work, and any time else-the Devil.

17. NO pre-recorded sound tracks for special music. They were worldly, and the beat was "the Devil's music."

18. Just one word: Culottes.

19. I would say that we were told to avoid gay people, but honestly I didn't know or hear much about them except from sermons about some awful place that they all apparently ran around naked having constant "illicit, unnatural relations and abominations."

20. Worldliness. We could never be "worldly." That included everything from using a current word like "groovy" (Handle it. I'm a child of the sixties.) to the styles that we wore. Example? Maxi skirts were banned at my high school because it was the current trend. 

I know some of my comments are rather tongue in cheek, but this list contains actual things from sermons, and rules I have heard, and followed all in the name of being a good Christian. These seem very shallow now, but I believed they were necessary back then. Thank God for growth, and wisdom and Grace.

Share some of yours, if you will. I'd love to see what we have in common. Next post, we'll do a little bit more traveling in the dark, and then come the rainbows!

Serve God. Love others.

Teapotjan

Treasured Teapots and Filthy Rags

Looking back on some of the attitudes and teaching from my fundamental past, one in particular keeps popping up in my thoughts lately. I sat through many sermons about the sinful nature of the human race and a Christian's own futile attempt to be anything but a filthy rag. I and the others in the congregation were call "vile," "wretched," "putrid," and "useless."  This often threw me into a fit of guilt and hopelessness, especially when I battled depression. Isaiah 64:6 was the usual text for this teaching: 

But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousness is as filthy rags;and we do all fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.

Please don't mistake what I am saying as heresy. Every human carries the burden of sin. All of us. Every. Single. One. From Adam to the newest child born seconds ago, not one of us can meet the requirements of perfection demanded by a Holy and Righteous Creator. We must look to Christ and His sacrifice to cover our sins and pay that debt. If you are reading this and don't understand what I'm saying, contact me and I'll be more than happy to explain.

But the consideration of that sacrifice started me thinking. Why would an omnipotent God make such a tremendous sacrifice for a bunch of throw away filthy, putrid, wretched, vile, useless beings? Then, I thought about the loveliness of my own children and how (on most days) it was hard to see them as "wretched.
I would do anything for these fellow sinners, and I am a mortal, imperfect human with a limited ability to love. How much more can God feel and do?
As I have often done in this journey, I turned to Scripture, and studied for myself, no longer dependent on man's interpretation, and I realized that the filthy rags mentioned in Isaiah do not refer to me, but to my feeble attempts to live up to His standards. If we attempt to do so, we fail miserably, and those attempts dry up and blow away like the leaves mentioned in Isaiah.

And another question popped up. If God sees our works as filthy rags, why do we even bother doing them? Back to Scripture:

Psalm 149:4

For the Lord takes pleasure in His people; he adorns the humble with salvation.

Also, as Genesis gives the account of Creation, we find that we were made in His image, and that He called His creation "good." The advent of sin did not diminish His pleasure in his creation. We are His jewels, His treasure, His delight, and He actively pursues ALL of us to join in fellowship with Him. It occurred me to at this point, that ALL of us must actively choose to either accept or to not accept His plan for eternal fellowship. And when we do accept this gift, and give Him praise, He receives pleasure and honor and love. He delights in our worship and works in His name.

Treasured, and protected by God. Loved in spite of failings. Sought after by the Most High. I will praise Him and He will be delighted!

Teapotjan

Serve God, Love others.

Teapot Tedium

This summer has been a time of reflection, rumination, and the resulting melancholy that a mind like mine always seems to sink into when reflecting,and ruminating.

There has been change that heralds further change: some good, some bad, and some that completely fills me with uncertainty and dread. But through all of this, one thing remains constant and unchanging, the love and grace of the God of creation.

I've often said that my favorite attribute of God is His immutability. Humans have their ups and downs. Our daily routine, in spite of the mundane nature of the term, can send our spirits soaring or plunge our souls into darkness. We develop from innocent, helpless, small beings into flawed adults with emotional baggage and ridiculous expectations in less than twenty years. Friends come, and go. Loved ones visit, grow older, and pass from our lives into eternity. We live in a constant state of change even when life seems tedious. All the while, God watches, unchanging and and unsurprised.

                                                      Overwhelmed_by_marjol3in

Speaking of tedious, the past week or so has defined the word "tedious." One occurrence after another led me to question God. Have I not learned enough? Am I not patient and kind? Is this really what you want for me? Can happiness not last more than a few minutes? Must reality step up immediately and slap us in the face? I want to be happy. I'm tired of crying. If things must change, why can't I have the change that I want? 

Many questions, some doubt, a lot of hurt, and disappointment. This isn't the first week in my life that has been tedious, and it won't be the last. So, how to hang on? 

And then, reminded by the Holy Spirit, I remember: 

As tedious and difficult that our time on earth might seem, even as the day grows longer, and the tears flow, and the losses seem unbearable, in the light of eternity these days are nothing. NOTHING. For those who believe in God's plan, and His gift of salvation, this is as bad as it will ever get. Our worse day on this planet defines our worse day in all of eternity. 

That doesn't mean that these days aren't hard. 

And with my flawed memory,  I will need reminding again and again. 

But when the realization of that truth washes over me, it feels like a breeze holding the promise of a cool night on a very hot day. 

It shines through my dark clouds of depression like a lighthouse marking my home in the distance. 

I'm not yet comfortable all the time, and I'm not home yet. But I see it ahead. Our unchanging, loving God waits there. He knows my path. He knows I struggle. He loves me. 

Looking ahead,

Teapotjan

That's Not Natural-The Torn Teapot, Part three

But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.

Isaiah 43:1

At the end of the last post I shared that I had found a second, close friend had struggled with homosexuality their whole life. That realization along with the implications of the life they had lived in the decades I knew them washed over me in waves of fear, and pity, and doubt. The younger friend? I had seen that coming. This older, long-time friend--I hadn't guessed. But even while tears poured down my cheeks, and sleep eluded me, I knew these two people were devout Christians. I knew they were my true friends, and I knew that I loved them both deeply.

"Through thick and thin, that's me and my friend. 

No matter what. No matter where. No matter."

I requested that my family leave me to myself for a couple of days so that I could pray,read, and research. I found it difficult to sleep. I was consumed with the desire to understand how God wanted me to handle this. I read and reread all the so-called "clobber" verses that so many point to with this issue. And I had no answers. "I'm not gay!" "Why do I have to worry about this?" "Why did God do this and allow that?" "Why can't they just change?" and on and on the questions rose from my heart and soul and I threw them at God like an angry child. And God listened, loved, calmed, forgave, and taught.

Two days later, I came out of my retreat a better Christian with a greater understanding of what God had for me. Those friends had not changed from before they told me. I was the one who had changed. And my unchanging God had taught me several things, but here are the two biggest lessons.

Homosexual attraction is NOT a sin. There are no Bible verses that can be quoted or misconstrued to support the belief that it is. People can be attracted to their own gender and still be Godly, loving Christians. I won't back down on that point. There is much more to this whole matter I know. But we can build on this knowledge when dealing with those who struggle with this in their own lives, and in the lives of family members.

Next, the church must change how it deals with those Christians who struggle with homosexuality, and actually with the issue of homosexuality all together. But, in this series, I am specifically addressing my concerns toward treatment of homosexuals in the body of Christ. Isaiah 43:1, the verse at the top of this post states how God actually views ALL redeemed homosexuals, thieves, liars, murderers, and sinners in general. He didn't pick any one sin above the others and rate His love accordingly. To point out a problem to a Christian over and over and provide no help and no love leaves that Christian frustrated, depressed, bitter, and possibly suicidal. Any possible service they could have provided to the body of Christ and any testimony to His Grace could be lost. And the implications of that loss could be eternal.

Finally (not really, but at least for now), we need to provide a ministry to those dealing with homosexuality AND their families. I come from a background where any mention of this subject from a person would illicit bad jokes, teasing, and immediate shunning. I remember one instance now, where all of us self-righteous teens walked away from someone obviously struggling, clicking our tongues, rolling our eyes, and making false promises to pray. Yes, that person was gay. And that person had reached out for help. The help didn't come, but the shaming did. That person left our group of Christian friends because of the teasing. Bitterness followed, then depression. And a few years later, suicide. That person possessed great intelligence, talent, and a knowledge of God's word. But a lack of help and support extinguished any light they could have shone for Christ.

I'm sure that there are families out there who have children and siblings who have come out of the closet to them. They don't want their friends to know about their child. They are ashamed and worried. They also love their child but have no safe place to talk with anyone without fear of the same shunning. Not even a spouse or close friend. Dear soul, message me. I'll do my best to work with you and share some of my resources. And I promise ( I have references) that I will not disclose any names, numbers, or anything that you do not wish to share with others.

So, why after all of this am I the "Torn Teapot"? In the interest of being totally open, it's because I haven't figured it all out yet. I don't know if Christian homosexuals are or are not allowed to have loving, monogamous relationships. Personally, I have a struggle either way I think right now. But, it is not my place to judge other Christians. I cannot order their lives and convictions for them. I have to leave all of that to the individual and to the God that has redeemed them. I will not even attempt to begin to start to do the work of the Holy Spirit. NO WAY, NO HOW! I'm not interested in debating this one way or the other. I'm interested in being led by God when the matter affects me and those I love personally.

But I do know this, Christ left us with two commandments: love and serve God above all else, and love others as yourself. There is no clobbering in God's love, only discipline to guide us back to His way.

Below is a link to a book I found particularly helpful. This does not indicate my complete and utter approval of every word, but this author's story blessed my heart and God used it in my study.

Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate 

God has burdened my heart to help those struggling. I didn't ask for this, but I gladly give my service to Him who redeemed me! Pray for me. Pray for the my ministry. If you need help, please email or message me. If you want to debate. . . leave a comment and debate the other commenters.

Serve God, Love others.

Teapotjan

Blue Teapot under a Black Cloud

Well, the last couple of weeks have proven to be . . . interesting. . . and full of life's lessons. Often, I wish I could go ahead and learn everything I need to know so the lessons would end, but I don't think that's how it works. So, ONWARD!

My last post concerning medication brought up comments from several people in my email feed, and private messaging. The comment from "anonymous" stirred up people more that I would have thought. Please know that I was not upset. That person obviously cares enough to want to help, and I welcome opinions other than my own. Isn't that how we learn and grow? We exhort, we listen, we measure against God's standards, apply as appropriate and move forward.

That said, I believe that the kind person that left the comment has never experienced the type of depression I was addressing: clinical depression. In no way do I want to attack that person. I know many folks who feel the same way, and it those people I want to address.

Here is a link to an article discussing the difference between feeling sad due to circumstances and being perpetually depressed: Is it Depression or is it the Blues?. EVERYONE gets the blues. (Hmm, that should be a song or something). An accident, a severe loss, or a bad day, along with many other things can bring about a case of the blues. However, most people bounce back with the passage of time. The blues can lead to the type of depression the commenter was addressing, especially if we turn from God during difficult times, but it is not clinical depression. Even then, I don't think just putting on a smile, and acting happy will solve the entire issue, though it can help. Maybe today's society should not toss medication at everyone in a funk so quickly. I do see fault in that. If someone is bogged down with a case of the blues, and it hinders their service to God, they should get counseling from a reliable, biblically-based source. Medication can not fix a spiritual problem, but many use it as an excuse for sin. Satan will use any weakness to hinder us, and he won't hesitate to attack when we are down. In these cases, we must examine our attitude, and heart for God.

But there are millions that experience true, can't-get-it-to-stay-away, clinical depression. A blood test (and recently it has been discovered,a CAT scan of the brain) can confirm that an individual's depression is a physical condition needing medical treatment. I confess, that as I sit here and write these words, I am dealing with that black cloud hovering over my head. I sit here knowing that God is in control, knowing that He loves me, actively engaged in intercessory prayer for a few particular individuals, praising God for His creation, and pondering Scriptures recently read. But, I feel depressed, with a small side of hopelessness. However, since I know that I suffer from a medical condition, I can ignore the cloud while acknowledging its existence, and continue to serve God. 

My youngest suffers from a chronic nerve disorder that causes constant and often severe pain in one of her legs. If you see her, you will see no signs of trauma, and she doesn't appear to be in pain most of the time. She takes medication to help control the pain, but it is never truly gone. We have been to several doctors, and she has gone through many treatments. During that time she learned what medical condition caused the pain, and is now able to mostly ignore it while still having to acknowledge that it's there. Sound familiar? She could give in to the pain and let it run her life, but God allowed us to find doctors and medicines that could help her. She looks to Him for help, and she is a sweet, and faithful Christian. I am very proud of her. But her pain still persists. If we had not sought help and treatment, I think she would now be completely crippled from the pain.

Everyone feels sad or depressed from time to time. It's a natural response to adverse circumstances. During those times, we must look to God for grace realizing He controls all things. 

Other folks suffer from a medical condition known as "clinical depression." My hopes and goals in all of this?

1. To help those folks realize that they need assistance, and to encourage them to seek it without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. Once they know why it's there, they can learn to acknowledge and ignore their hovering dark cloud and carry on with life. 
2. To help others, like the commenter, to realize that not all depression is     equal. Believe me, telling a clinically depressed person to smile and act     happy is like telling someone with undiagnosed pain to "walk it off." The statement is well-intentioned, but it will cause more harm than good.
3. To use my experiences with my own depression to uplift others and point   them to the Great Healer. He allowed me to suffer with this condition in     order for me to honor Him with the lessons I've learned. I want to do that with all my heart.

No more guilt folks, only repentance. Those who fully understand His grace and love desire to serve and honor Him. He knew us from the edge of time, and He provides a way through the darkest of clouds, and the deepest of blues.

Happy Depression Sufferer, medicated, and still serving Him!
Teapotjan

Steady As She Goes, the Medicated Teapot

On this journey from guilt to grace, I still find myself going backwards from time to time. The biggest cause for reversal? My guilt about suffering from depression. My fellow sufferers understand that we feel badly about being depressed, and we worry about how it looks to other people, and we ponder our lot in life, and then we get-well-more depressed. It's a vicious cycle, and I doubt that I will be able to completely avoid this downward spiral until God gives me my glorified body.

A recent post from a sweet friend and fellow sufferer reminded me that we still look at mental illness as something we can control all on our own. Something that makes us ashamed. Something that makes others look down on us. Something to hide and deny, hoping that it will go away.

Well, guess what? It won't. Clinical depression is an illness. Just like diabetes. And cancer. It's an ILLNESS! Diabetes requires medication and treatment. Cancer requires medication and treatment. Depression requires medication and treatment. If left untreated, any of these could be fatal in one way or another.

So, my point? If you are clinically depressed, take the medicines prescribed. Learn ways to manage and treat your illness. But do NOT be ashamed. No, you don't have to broadcast that you have an issue. Just don't cower when someone finds out about it. It's not something anyone would wish on themselves anymore that we would wish for shingles. But it IS what God has for you, and He doesn't hand us anything we can't handle, even if that means taking meds, and getting counseling. Don't you think He gave people the knowledge to make those meds and give that counseling?

Please realize that I'm writing this to remind myself, as well as to encourage others. I'll take my medications as long as I need them, which will probably be for the rest of my life, just like a diabetic will need to take some form of insulin for the rest of theirs. Praise God for modern medicine and doctors! I'm thinking that if they didn't exist, I or someone dear to me would be dead from suicide or homicide--if you get my drift. So in addition to keeping my emotions level, I think my anti-depression medicines have saved lives. 

Medicated, and still on the path!
Teapotjan

Facing Fears

Back at the end of June, and before the startling month of July, I wrote about the fear involved in leaving the familiar ways of Fundamentalism. As God often does, He used several circumstances to teach me more. As I do, I delved into a bit of depression, and doubt. July has been a long, hard month for one reason or another, but it has been a month of learning, change, crying, laughing, doubt, and assurance.

Since leaving my last job, I've encountered more extreme ups and downs on my emotional roller coaster than normal. The lack of my own personal income limits my monetary ability to give to foreign missions, but that lack also helps me find new ways to contribute. The lack of a scheduled job distracts me from achieving goals, but gives me the time needed when I am focused. And the lack of needed room in my home frustrates me, even while those causing it are precious to me. I have the opportunity to reach for a dream, but I have many obstacles to overcome before reaching it. And of course, during these ups and downs, that old feeling of fear and the longing for the familiar crept up on me at the worst of times. 

One of those fears? Confronting those for whom I feel responsible. Truly, I hate confrontation, but I often find myself needing to initiate it. The biggest problem with that? I can no longer fall back on the pat phrases and teachings of my earlier church days. "Because I said so" and "Because that's the ways it's always been," and "because that's what Dr.Nowayjose said" no longer cuts it. After thinking on my own, and having my mind opened by the Holy Spirit, I must seek out the true, biblical reason that supports my objection to an issue. Self-doubt rears up, but, if I approach the person, or persons with the right attitude and prayerfully confront them, a surprising thing happens: amazing truths come out of my mouth! Many times after a confrontation, I'm astounded at what I have said, and I realize that it was not me and my wisdom, but that of God. He brings things from His Word to my mind from a great sermon heard years ago. Or an illustration will pop up in my head that fits the situation perfectly, and I recall it like it happened the day before instead of in the 80's. This must be what the Bible refers to as being a vessel for God's use, and it is a gift and a blessing when it happens. God requests me do something that I hate and fear, and then uses it to bless me when I obey! 

Next post, another fear. In the meantime, I would appreciate prayers for strength and motivation. I am starting up an art studio, but I have several obstacles as I mentioned. My plan is to use the money made not only to help support my family, but to help further the Gospel. It is my heart's desire to use the creative gift God gave me to His Glory.

Full Steam Ahead!

Teapotjan

Got Faith?

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

In God's infinite wisdom and in His desire for a creature that would love Him by choice, faith and the choice to have faith in our Creator becomes the ultimate definition of humankind.

Many times I have heard the popular "God said it, I believe it, that settles it." Ultimately that is truth. We can even leave out the "I believe it" part and the statement is still truth. Such a simple saying, and yet, the human heart and psyche are anything but simple.

I have a friend who is struggling with some terrible issues. To be honest, I have many friends who are struggling with one terrible thing or another. I'm in the midst of an oppressive struggle even now. I have faith. I believe in God's faithfulness, and its substance. But, as a human with human needs, I long for actual physical arms to wrap around me, hold me close, and tell me with complete knowledge and power that everything will work out and all will be well on this earth and soon. 

For now, those arms manifest only in faith, and for now, the darkness of my spirit and the tears in my eyes make that manifestation pretty hard to see. It is these darkest of times when our faith grows weak that we need it the most. But, guess what? We don't need much faith at all to get past the dark times. Matthew 17:20 tells us that our faith need be no bigger than a mustard seed. I once had a bracelet charm with that verse and a mustard seed on it. That seed was no larger than the head of a pin.

In God's infinite wisdom and in His desire for a creature that would love Him by choice, faith and the choice to have faith in our Creator becomes the ultimate definition of humankind. And because He understands His creation, and its frailty, He requires only a little small bit of faith to please Him. Just a little, bitty bit of faith in a God that made all of creation sweeping the skies with His hands and scattering the planets and stars with His fingertips is all He requires to help us move through our struggles and live with Him in eternity.

Are there people with bigger faiths? Yes. Are there times when our faith will be larger? Probably. But the sweetest thing to me? That in our darkest, teary-eyed, want to die, or sleep or give up forever times, all He needs is that tiniest bit of faith to give us the comfort of Heaven and eternity.

Thinking that's a pretty good deal,
Teapotjan

Teapot in the Tempest! Sink or Swim or Trust

Blah de blah de blah de blah. Last night with some warning I was hit with waves of depression. Not the nice gentle waves that can almost rock a body to sleep with their normalcy and familiarity, but big, crashing waves washing over me one after another. I should have known. People have been asking me for several days if everything was okay. I gave my usual "no, but yes" answer meaning that a few things were bothering me, but not enough to take me down. But then yesterday evening something triggered the storm and the waves began to crash down on me from every direction.

I'm not sure what the trigger or triggers were. Looking back over yesterday and the few days preceding, I have my suspicions. Any one of several things could have been the culprit, and all are legitimate troubles. All are worthy of prayer, and a few could cause downright hopelessness. But, I've come along way since first realizing I suffered from depression.

Today, I'm still down. I feel tired and restless. There's a faint ripple of hopelessness around me, but it's very faint. The waves have calmed, but the sky is still stormy, so I'm still on edge, concerned that another storm will come. But I am okay. Not great. I don't feel like skipping through fields singing with the Von Trapp children, or cooking, or anything. But I'm okay.

At one point earlier in my life, this would have made me feel terribly guilty. Did not all the preachers say that Christians should always be happy and cheerful and loving and singing and . . . how dare we be depressed when Christ died for our sins and we have an eternity in Heaven waiting where all the Christians will be happy and cheerful and loving and . . . whoopideedoopdeeday. Heaven isn't today. Today is hard. Life on this earth is hard. I don't always do the right thing and neither do those around me, so stupid exists here. Stupid makes life hard.

Am I sinning? Not by being depressed. I could easily though. I have the potential to let the waves drown me and wipe out any service I could do for the Lord. But, with the Lord's help, I'm not going to sink, I'm going to get out of this storm. And that's what makes the difference. You don't drown just by being in rough water.You can swim-for a while. But there finally comes a point when you give up fighting and either give in to the waves and drown, or reach out and get help. For a Christian, help is always available. My choice today is to reach for out for that help, to cry out to my Savior, and seek out comfort from the friends He has given me that understand and will pray for me. 

Like I said, I'm still down, but I'm not feeling guilty about it. God has reminded  me that their are calmer waters and clear skies ahead. Sink? Not today. Swim? Not that good at it. Trust? Yes, in my wonderful Lord.

Thank you, Lord, that you lift me out of the tempest and calm the storms of depression that rage around me. Thank you for the true friends you have provided that I know will pray for me and understand. Remind me, Lord, to pray for them when they are drowning in their own tempest. Help us to help others with encouraging words. Keep us from guilt, but bring us to repentance if we do give in to the waves.

Thank you, Lord!
Teapotjan

Tears in the Tea

Tears. I confess I'm a cryer. That fact intensified when I hit the wonder of the CHANGE OF LIFE. I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm angry, I cry when I'm proud, overwhelmed, sad, terrified and almost any other strong emotion a human can experience. I also cry when I am . . . depressed.

The "D" word. The boogeyman term that haunts christian counselors, and secular psychiatrists through their entire career. It turns good Christians into unsuitable servants, and shuts down amazing people just by showing its boogeyman face. It is blamed for suicide, pain, illness, apathy, weight gain, and the fall of mankind as we know it. Okay, that last one is a bit much, but if you've ever been depressed you know that's kind of how it can feel.

Back in my guilt-ridden days, I believed that any time depression came my way, that I was sinning and not trusting in the Lord as I should. I would cry and repent, and pray for help, and still feel depressed. This concept still reigns in many christian counseling and psychiatry classes. Those who hold that depression is merely a spiritual problem, mostly men, can go so far as to put PMS and post-partum blues in this same category. I cried ANGRY tears at that one. 

I wrote earlier that highly intelligent and creative people often suffer from depression more than other groups. It seems to go with the territory, though it's not exclusive. Depression can affect anyone. It can be crippling, especially when leaders like pastors, counselors, and teachers say it is a spiritual problem. That's just . . . well. . . depressing.

So my answer to all of this? Being depressed it not sinful. It is more often than not the result of an actual physical problem. Low levels of certain chemicals, genetics, stress, and several other medical issues can bring it on. Can it lead to sin and defeat? Why, of course it can. It can even kill us. 

Look at it this way. No normal person wants to be sick. if a person has a cold, they can self-medicate, rest and get over it. If they have a severe illness, like cancer, it needs to be treated by a medical professional.  The sick person leans on others for support. They go through therapy, if needed, and work at getting better. If they don't, they will die. It really doesn't help if the only thing the doctor says at the start is "You have cancer. You are going to be very sick."

Same with depression. No normal person wants to be sad but everyone gets the blues.There are those times when we are weepy, and sad for a short time and then it's over. But sometimes the blues get very dark very quickly and soon envelope those of us prone to depression in a dark, bleak cloud. As Christians, we must learn to recognize what is happening, reach out for help and work to get out of this cloud. If we don't, the depression will grow and we may not survive. Bless me, I don't think telling the person in the middle of a very dark cloud that it's all their fault and they should get out of it is really going to help. Do you?

Don't feel guilty about depression any more than you would feel guilty about getting cancer. Recognize it for what it is and find ways to treat it. I like the commercial that portrays depression as a dark blob that follows a person around. It's always there, but with work, prayer and treatment it can be controlled and made much less of a problem.

Here is a link to another blogger's solution to her battle with depression: My 21 Tips on Keeping It Together During Depression. The viewpoint is secular, but many of the principles are the same. Her original version was much-um-saltier. But at my request, she did what she called an "un-sweary" version. 
Thanks to Rosalind Robertson @www.diycouturier.com I really appreciate your gracious help.

This will not be my only post on depression, I'm sure. It's a battle I fight almost every day. And it is a huge subject worth revisiting. But now, living in grace, I know that I have a Creator who made me as I am. Funny, creative, intelligent, stubborn, and friendly, and prone to depression. He loves me. He understands how sad I am more than any human could. He loves ME. Since I am washed in His blood, He no longer judges me even while He longs for me to do right and serve Him. And He loves me. 

Don't let anyone condemn you for being depressed. If they aren't willing to lovingly help you, and they don't see depression for what it is, then get away from them, and find a loving Christian friend, pastor, counselor, friend who will guide you and show you how the light of Christ shines through the darkness of depression.

Seriously, if you already depressed how in the world is being told you're in sin going to help? Tears of laughter for that one. 

Questions? Comments? Please let me know.