A Kink in the Teapot

When I was a little girl I had no idea that a woman married for thirty years, with three children, a live-in father, a dog, two fish, and two extra friends living in a house could ever be lonely. I grew up an only child, and my summers and holidays passed slowly while I entertained myself on my father's twenty acres surrounded by trees and sky and few, if any, children. I thought that was lonely. 

Now, I have a new perspective. Surrounded by a husband, children, my father, guests, and co-workers, I am often lonely. Deeply lonely. The kind of lonely that makes that kinked-up feeling in your chest that must be the inspiration behind the term "heart-break." 

I'm the kind of person that makes quick friendships easily, but finds making close friends difficult. Even now I can number all of the close friends I've ever had on my two hands. I'm sure it's a trust issue. I don't want to burden others with my problems. And I don't like sharing with someone who can't understand.

Not everyone has the same IQ and each IQ level has its own levels of understanding, strengths and weaknesses. That's fine. God made me intelligent, and I often notice things that an average person doesn't. I notice a LOT of things all at one time, and I can see most, if not all, the sides of a situation. I know people smarter than me. I can't imagine what must go on inside their minds. That much information changes a person's perspective. Studies show that most highly intelligent, artistic, talented people suffer from some level of depression.

All of this quirky intelligence makes me a rather complicated person to understand. Most people don't get it, family members included. The few that do--those are the ones that I can count on two hands. And those people are intelligent, quirky, talented and complicated. They tend to face the same issues I do. They also tend to: be male (having male friends just adds another layer of complicated), be incredibly busy, move away to take, or have some other complicated, intelligent person problem. And I'm still here. Alone. With an occasional phone call or text message the only outlet for months of built up happiness, frustration, and gossip. 

There's that kinked-up feeling in my chest again. Honestly, I feel badly for being sad. I have a loving, but overly busy, and overly tired husband. I have three kids with strong minds, and strong opinions. I have a loving father that thinks I can walk on water. I have a great dog that thinks I am second only to bacon. I also have many people who look to me for advice, a smile or laugh, and support. My biggest issue is that if I can't find a support for my own needs I'm afraid that someday I'll let them all down-BIG time. Signal huge kinked-up feeling and tears.

So, why am I not screaming, and sobbing in a fetal position under the bed all the while begging someone to help me? Well, I have been. And Someone came  to my aid. "I will never leave you or forsake you," He says. On a human level I think, that isn't quite what I meant, but on an eternal level,I realize it's perfect. I have a hope in Christ. A Christ that completely understands me, complications and all. He has promised an eternity free of that kinked-up feeling in my chest, tears, and loneliness. And He helps me understand that it's okay to be sad. But He also reminds me of the grace He gives day by day to handle what He allows in our lives.

Am I still lonely? Yes. Do I want a close friend around that can share my burden and laugh with me and cry with me and understand who I am? Yes. Will I perish if I don't find anyone? No. I have the greatest Friend of all, and He will give me the comfort and support I need.

With love,
A Servant of Christ, 
Teapotjan