A Teapot in the Dark

In my last regular post, I ended again with that long walk to my van. Faith gone. Disillusioned. Crying. Frightened. In spite of the bright August sun, I was in the dark. I didn't know anyone or anyplace I could look for guidance. All of my regular sources bore the stench of betrayal, and I turned inward.

I feebly attempted to appear happy. It was nice to stay at home, but I grew restless quickly. I tried to make up for the loss of income by clipping coupons, and looking for deals. And I learned that I HATED clipping coupons. (Seriously, still do). I started working fervently on a wedding for a friend, and that became a welcome distraction, but I still felt sick at heart, and numb. Numb, at least until the realization of what had happened in a place that I had loved and defended for years washed over me. So I capitulated between disinterest, empty euphoria, and tears. 

I had a health issue that had grown worse during the year or so before that made my emotions all the more volatile. After a falling out with the bride I was helping, I turned over all the work I had done, and was not able to see the fruits of my labor at the wedding. And, honestly, the dark got even darker. And I was bitter, bitter, bitter, and so sad. God had deserted me. I was sure of this. And Satan whispered often to me that I was of no worth, and that God was distant and uncaring.

There were many conversations with acquaintances that ended in "If you could just pray and find a good church, you will be so much better." At that point they might have well told me to slather my self in syrup and stand on ant hill. Prayers ended in tears and bitterness, and church services? They turned my stomach. "All these stupid people gobbling this stuff up. What have they done differently than me? Just wait. You'll all find out just how futile all of this is." This inner monologue went on and on. I am still grateful that no one could read my mind. It all just. . . . hurt, both physically and mentally.

It would be a wonderful thing to say that all of this is now resolved, and that every, single day I am a happy, giddy Christian flitting about Greenville with wings strengthened by God's grace, but that's a lie. Many days are still dark. The story of my dark times continues, but I will soon share what God does for a sad, short, stout gal who has lost her faith, and trust.

Even as I write this, my heart heaves with a recent, new hurt, and my emotional state is, let's say "fragile." (Goodness-I do seem to cry in some way with every single emotion. I am soooo not a Vulcan). I struggle with a loss of support from someone close to me. I know that God sent that person along to help me during the dark times after leaving Bob Jones. But, for now, due to a transgression on my part, that support is gone, and I'm not sure I will ever gain it back. 

I say that not to discourage, but to share a lesson I am learning right now, in this moment. Because God did bring me through those dark times before, and

He did show me the light even when I tried to close my eyes tight and turn away, I know that He is still there. He does still care. I know what my heart wants, but I am willing to follow Him, even if it pulls me away from people very dear to me. No, I don't want that to happen. Not. At. All. But God sees all, and He will provide what I need. He is never the problem. It's me. But, He loves me anyway. That's pretty amazing. 

So, my plan in my next post is to share a few more details of my lessons learned, and how God works in those details.

Prayers for all of you.

Serve God. Love others.

Teapotjan

A Kink in the Teapot

When I was a little girl I had no idea that a woman married for thirty years, with three children, a live-in father, a dog, two fish, and two extra friends living in a house could ever be lonely. I grew up an only child, and my summers and holidays passed slowly while I entertained myself on my father's twenty acres surrounded by trees and sky and few, if any, children. I thought that was lonely. 

Now, I have a new perspective. Surrounded by a husband, children, my father, guests, and co-workers, I am often lonely. Deeply lonely. The kind of lonely that makes that kinked-up feeling in your chest that must be the inspiration behind the term "heart-break." 

I'm the kind of person that makes quick friendships easily, but finds making close friends difficult. Even now I can number all of the close friends I've ever had on my two hands. I'm sure it's a trust issue. I don't want to burden others with my problems. And I don't like sharing with someone who can't understand.

Not everyone has the same IQ and each IQ level has its own levels of understanding, strengths and weaknesses. That's fine. God made me intelligent, and I often notice things that an average person doesn't. I notice a LOT of things all at one time, and I can see most, if not all, the sides of a situation. I know people smarter than me. I can't imagine what must go on inside their minds. That much information changes a person's perspective. Studies show that most highly intelligent, artistic, talented people suffer from some level of depression.

All of this quirky intelligence makes me a rather complicated person to understand. Most people don't get it, family members included. The few that do--those are the ones that I can count on two hands. And those people are intelligent, quirky, talented and complicated. They tend to face the same issues I do. They also tend to: be male (having male friends just adds another layer of complicated), be incredibly busy, move away to take, or have some other complicated, intelligent person problem. And I'm still here. Alone. With an occasional phone call or text message the only outlet for months of built up happiness, frustration, and gossip. 

There's that kinked-up feeling in my chest again. Honestly, I feel badly for being sad. I have a loving, but overly busy, and overly tired husband. I have three kids with strong minds, and strong opinions. I have a loving father that thinks I can walk on water. I have a great dog that thinks I am second only to bacon. I also have many people who look to me for advice, a smile or laugh, and support. My biggest issue is that if I can't find a support for my own needs I'm afraid that someday I'll let them all down-BIG time. Signal huge kinked-up feeling and tears.

So, why am I not screaming, and sobbing in a fetal position under the bed all the while begging someone to help me? Well, I have been. And Someone came  to my aid. "I will never leave you or forsake you," He says. On a human level I think, that isn't quite what I meant, but on an eternal level,I realize it's perfect. I have a hope in Christ. A Christ that completely understands me, complications and all. He has promised an eternity free of that kinked-up feeling in my chest, tears, and loneliness. And He helps me understand that it's okay to be sad. But He also reminds me of the grace He gives day by day to handle what He allows in our lives.

Am I still lonely? Yes. Do I want a close friend around that can share my burden and laugh with me and cry with me and understand who I am? Yes. Will I perish if I don't find anyone? No. I have the greatest Friend of all, and He will give me the comfort and support I need.

With love,
A Servant of Christ, 
Teapotjan