Meeting up with friends recently threw me into a particularly nostalgic mood. As is the usual case with this mind God gave me, that brings up both good and bad memories.
I'm very thankful for long time friends. God uses our shared experiences to remind us of His faithfulness during the difficult times, and His provision during the lean times. Sweet fellowship, tears, shared blessings and burdens renew our spirits for the journey ahead, and remind us of our purpose to serve Christ. These memories, precious and rare, are gifts.
And then, when the warmth of that sweet fellowship begins to fade, my mind (bless its heart) goes meandering down some of the darker paths in my past. But I've learned that those darker memories sometimes can also be a blessing in a different way.
Growing up in a very fundamental background, I followed the rules. I was the good girl. The example. The one church leaders pointed to and said "Ask her to help, she'll be glad to do whatever."
And they were right. I was dependable, hard-working, smart, and willing. I kept the nursery. I taught Sunday School. I sang solos when asked. I dressed modestly (no pants and always hose). I acted appropriately. Blushed accordingly, and I obeyed my parents, and respected my elders. My dad was a deacon, and church pianist. My mom taught Sunday school, and spoke in ladies's fellowship groups. In other words, we were a very good, church-going family. Indeed, we had two churches get their start in our living room.
I was saved at an early age. I am sure of that. God gave me assurance early and that has never been much of a personal struggle. My struggles come from a misperception rooted early in my life. The misperception that if I were the "good, go-to, I'll get right on that and work myself to death girl" that everything in life would turn out correctly. My spouse would be the love of my life. My children would be perfect and serve the Lord, and life will be easy-peasy, white picket fences, and rainbows.
All those high school chapel sermons said as much. If we did as we were told, and the guys grew to lead their homes, and the gals learned to submit to the guys, then God would bless us with sweet, obedient children and a Heaven on earth existence. Those families with problems like divorce, and drinking, and wayward children? They blew it badly somewhere, strayed and God had withdrawn His blessing. And we all knew that was pretty much the end of the world. One terrible thing, and that was it. Wasting away in the sea of sin until finally rescued by death or The Rapture, just barely saved by the skin of their teeth.
So, I went to weekend camps, threw my stick in the fire, and wept and prayed. I was always going to the altar at church to confess yet another weakness. And frankly, I felt being a Christian was really, really hard. Nevertheless, I continued on to attend a Christian University, and the teaching there was a little deeper, but the main point was the same. Do right, and life will be good. I followed the path set before me. Broke up with the guy that my parents didn't like, and married the guy that they did like. What in the world could go wrong?
In the next post, I'll continue down some of the dark paths of my memory, but not to worry, there are a few rainbows ahead.
Looking back to learn how to go forward,
Teapotjan
When I was a little girl I had no idea that a woman married for thirty years, with three children, a live-in father, a dog, two fish, and two extra friends living in a house could ever be lonely. I grew up an only child, and my summers and holidays passed slowly while I entertained myself on my father's twenty acres surrounded by trees and sky and few, if any, children. I thought that was lonely.
Now, I have a new perspective. Surrounded by a husband, children, my father, guests, and co-workers, I am often lonely. Deeply lonely. The kind of lonely that makes that kinked-up feeling in your chest that must be the inspiration behind the term "heart-break."
I'm the kind of person that makes quick friendships easily, but finds making close friends difficult. Even now I can number all of the close friends I've ever had on my two hands. I'm sure it's a trust issue. I don't want to burden others with my problems. And I don't like sharing with someone who can't understand.
Not everyone has the same IQ and each IQ level has its own levels of understanding, strengths and weaknesses. That's fine. God made me intelligent, and I often notice things that an average person doesn't. I notice a LOT of things all at one time, and I can see most, if not all, the sides of a situation. I know people smarter than me. I can't imagine what must go on inside their minds. That much information changes a person's perspective. Studies show that most highly intelligent, artistic, talented people suffer from some level of depression.
All of this quirky intelligence makes me a rather complicated person to understand. Most people don't get it, family members included. The few that do--those are the ones that I can count on two hands. And those people are intelligent, quirky, talented and complicated. They tend to face the same issues I do. They also tend to: be male (having male friends just adds another layer of complicated), be incredibly busy, move away to take, or have some other complicated, intelligent person problem. And I'm still here. Alone. With an occasional phone call or text message the only outlet for months of built up happiness, frustration, and gossip.
There's that kinked-up feeling in my chest again. Honestly, I feel badly for being sad. I have a loving, but overly busy, and overly tired husband. I have three kids with strong minds, and strong opinions. I have a loving father that thinks I can walk on water. I have a great dog that thinks I am second only to bacon. I also have many people who look to me for advice, a smile or laugh, and support. My biggest issue is that if I can't find a support for my own needs I'm afraid that someday I'll let them all down-BIG time. Signal huge kinked-up feeling and tears.
So, why am I not screaming, and sobbing in a fetal position under the bed all the while begging someone to help me? Well, I have been. And Someone came to my aid. "I will never leave you or forsake you," He says. On a human level I think, that isn't quite what I meant, but on an eternal level,I realize it's perfect. I have a hope in Christ. A Christ that completely understands me, complications and all. He has promised an eternity free of that kinked-up feeling in my chest, tears, and loneliness. And He helps me understand that it's okay to be sad. But He also reminds me of the grace He gives day by day to handle what He allows in our lives.
Am I still lonely? Yes. Do I want a close friend around that can share my burden and laugh with me and cry with me and understand who I am? Yes. Will I perish if I don't find anyone? No. I have the greatest Friend of all, and He will give me the comfort and support I need.
With love,
A Servant of Christ,
Teapotjan
