A Teapot in the Dark

In my last regular post, I ended again with that long walk to my van. Faith gone. Disillusioned. Crying. Frightened. In spite of the bright August sun, I was in the dark. I didn't know anyone or anyplace I could look for guidance. All of my regular sources bore the stench of betrayal, and I turned inward.

I feebly attempted to appear happy. It was nice to stay at home, but I grew restless quickly. I tried to make up for the loss of income by clipping coupons, and looking for deals. And I learned that I HATED clipping coupons. (Seriously, still do). I started working fervently on a wedding for a friend, and that became a welcome distraction, but I still felt sick at heart, and numb. Numb, at least until the realization of what had happened in a place that I had loved and defended for years washed over me. So I capitulated between disinterest, empty euphoria, and tears. 

I had a health issue that had grown worse during the year or so before that made my emotions all the more volatile. After a falling out with the bride I was helping, I turned over all the work I had done, and was not able to see the fruits of my labor at the wedding. And, honestly, the dark got even darker. And I was bitter, bitter, bitter, and so sad. God had deserted me. I was sure of this. And Satan whispered often to me that I was of no worth, and that God was distant and uncaring.

There were many conversations with acquaintances that ended in "If you could just pray and find a good church, you will be so much better." At that point they might have well told me to slather my self in syrup and stand on ant hill. Prayers ended in tears and bitterness, and church services? They turned my stomach. "All these stupid people gobbling this stuff up. What have they done differently than me? Just wait. You'll all find out just how futile all of this is." This inner monologue went on and on. I am still grateful that no one could read my mind. It all just. . . . hurt, both physically and mentally.

It would be a wonderful thing to say that all of this is now resolved, and that every, single day I am a happy, giddy Christian flitting about Greenville with wings strengthened by God's grace, but that's a lie. Many days are still dark. The story of my dark times continues, but I will soon share what God does for a sad, short, stout gal who has lost her faith, and trust.

Even as I write this, my heart heaves with a recent, new hurt, and my emotional state is, let's say "fragile." (Goodness-I do seem to cry in some way with every single emotion. I am soooo not a Vulcan). I struggle with a loss of support from someone close to me. I know that God sent that person along to help me during the dark times after leaving Bob Jones. But, for now, due to a transgression on my part, that support is gone, and I'm not sure I will ever gain it back. 

I say that not to discourage, but to share a lesson I am learning right now, in this moment. Because God did bring me through those dark times before, and

He did show me the light even when I tried to close my eyes tight and turn away, I know that He is still there. He does still care. I know what my heart wants, but I am willing to follow Him, even if it pulls me away from people very dear to me. No, I don't want that to happen. Not. At. All. But God sees all, and He will provide what I need. He is never the problem. It's me. But, He loves me anyway. That's pretty amazing. 

So, my plan in my next post is to share a few more details of my lessons learned, and how God works in those details.

Prayers for all of you.

Serve God. Love others.

Teapotjan

What's your Point?

I've wanted to write for the past month, but life has provided road block after road block preventing me from enough quiet, private time to do so. Today, I'm at home from work, not feeling well, and the passion that I need to write a good post just doesn't seem to exist. However, I have my laptop in its proper place, and perhaps as I tap away at the keyboard, the passion will hear me and come to visit.

Lately, many people have commented to me on the state of the church, the state of the country, and the state of the world. There are few, if any, good comments. It seems that civilization, in general, is hurling toward Hades in a hand basket. In my personal life, and in my household, frustrations abound. Someone that I really need to understand how I feel seems incapable of listening without jumping to conclusions (most of which are incorrect), and trying to fix a problem that they don't need to worry about, all the while neglecting the problems that I thought I had clearly explained. Life becomes one big, gigantic, heavy sigh, and a hopeless shrug of the shoulders.

Somewhere between flippant dismissal of the issue, and the dark abyss of giving up exists the place I am today. Befuddled as to why I can't seem to handle this current state except without becoming yet more frustrated, my best relief seems to be bursting into tears. But tears upset the jumping conclusion person, who in turn tries to fix the perceived problem, and when the outcome is once again incorrect, that person becomes defensive. 

Said person recently posted an article on their Facebook page. That piece almost directly opposes several tenets of my current ministry. I had those who messaged me telling me how it hurt them very badly. After discussing it with the poster, and maybe even fighting

a bit about it being taken down, we agreed to disagree, and decided in true American fashion that we were both free to post when we like. Not a satisfying step, and it certainly was not my first choice, but a necessary one to prevent harming the relationship, and in turn, the cause of Christ.

So why was I willing to stop fighting for it to be taken down? Again, it was not my first choice. Still isn't. But as a follower of Christ, I saw that the argument was no longer edifying to anyone. It was hurting the poster, it was hurting me, and it wasn't helping those who were already hurt by the post. It also hit me that I could share the experience as an example of what I feel is happening in evangelical churches around the world.

Our churches are ripping apart over fights just as insignificant as this. Many are so adamant that their way is the ONLY way to dress, worship, pray, preach, sing, interpret Scripture, witness, act, think, speak, that they are driving people from the very Christ they say they want others to accept. Even an issue as seemingly important as the current hot topic of homosexuality and Christians, pales in comparison to the importance of sharing the Gospel of Christ.

Infighting among Christ's followers is no way to show others that we are a people called apart to point others to Him. In most arguments I've observed, the participants aren't pointing toward Christ but at each other in blame.And if we aren't using our strength to serve Him,and point others to Him, what's the use?

I have no one to answer to God for but myself. No one's judgment counts for eternity but God's. I may one day see my earthly attempts at worship burn up like hay, but my place in Heaven was secured by God's gift of salvation and sacrifice. And those works that I did to lead others to Christ will last, not to procure my salvation, but to honor the Savior who procured eternal life for me.

And because of that precious gift, and the desire to follow His commandments: Serve and love God above all others, love others as yourself, I put my argument to the side, and work toward pointing others to Christ.

I'm still hurt. I probably will be for a while. I'm human, and a sometimes fragile one at that. Christ provides a healing balm for the ravages of sin, and the hurt suffered during our walk on earth. He's a GREAT GOD, almighty, and powerful. Look at Him! See His way. And when asked why you can put personal hurts to the side, point to Him!

Serve God, Love others,

Pointing Up,

Teapotjan