God is so very good. The response to my last post both blesses and humbles me. Please know that I desire to be a mere vessel used in whichever way He chooses. And pray with me that I can continue to point people to Him with no glory in myself. Any good I do or say comes from Him.
As promised, this entry contains a rather personal story concerning how I started on this particular phase of my journey. Reviewing the events of the last few months, and seeing how God brought me to this place. He set my feet on a path long ago, before I even knew, and He assures me that I must proceed with prayer, tears, and newly opened eyes.
I've taken several IQ and personality tests through the years. They have shown me that God made me, among other things, intelligent, empathetic, curious, and friendly. My personality type makes friends easily, but limits the number of close friends to a very small number. So, when I make a close friend, and when I really trust someone, they are stuck with me like an octopus trying to open an oyster. Through thick and thin, that's me and my friend. No matter what. No matter where. No matter.
A few months ago, I was messaging with one of those close friends. He is currently deployed in Afghanistan. This friend is like a son. Truly. I can't imagine caring for him more if he were actual family. He worked as my assistant. He helped me in more ways than I can count. He taught me things, and he edified me. We cried together. We prayed together. We pointed each other to Christ. He encompassed what a life long friend should be. My family loves him as well, and he knows that he is always welcome at any time, day or night, to call, or come by, or eat, or whatever. He is incredibly special to me.
I knew that he had struggled with some issues, but he rather cryptically brushed them aside, not wanting to burden me. I could only guess at what they were. But I prayed for him. At one rather dark point, he told me that he had contemplated suicide up to just shy of the actual act. He had not followed through because he had not wanted to disappoint or hurt me and the other few friends he held close. Whenever I think of that, I can't help but cry. It broke my heart. It still does. I don't like to think of how close he came. But as he just recently told me, it was the grace of God that stopped him.
A few months later he surprised me by signing up for the Army. Knowing him, I knew he would excel and become a great soldier, but my heart sank knowing
that it would pull him away. Of course, he sailed through boot camp, and found himself stationed in Texas. Some of the problems he had experienced before cropped up again, but this time I was aware that he was being harassed. He would not tell me why, but I knew he had contacted my husband, and that they had talked at great length. He had more than one battle to fight. And then, he was deployed.
We were able to see him before he left. The time was short, but precious. Of course, I cried when he left, that's part of this vessel's makeup as well. But,
we all claimed the promises that nothing happens to one of God's children that He does not allow and that no parting is eternal for us. Fortunately, we have been able to stay in contact due to the blessing of modern technology.
Most of our chats involved newsy type stuff. But some were like counseling sessions for both of us. Life in Afghanistan is rough. It's awful, and sandy, and wet, and dry, and hot, and cold, and loud, and too, too quiet. And there was more harassment. And then there was that one night before the holidays. . . he asked me if he could tell me something very important, and to promise that I would not be angry. My heart went up into my throat as I typed "of course." After a few more reassurances that nothing shy of him being a serial killer and even then we'd work it out, he typed "I'm gay."
It wasn't like I hadn't suspected at least a tendency toward this in him, but it still hit my "raised in the deep south, independent-fundamental-baptist steeped" soul a little hard. He went on to say that he hadn't wanted to tell me,
because he thought he might lose our friendship. Those words struck through me like an arrow. This amazing, talented, young man whom I love like my own son thought he would lose me because he found himself attracted to his own gender. What could I say to that?
Then the story of why he had been harassed poured out. His typed words came through almost quicker that my tear-blurred eyes could read. His family was shocked. Some of his fellow soldiers, and even some of his leaders had mocked him and would not march or work with him. He had to file harassment charges and transfer to another company while in Texas. And yet, he still strived to be the best army soldier possible and was very close to succeeding. He did not want this to bring any shame to Christ.
And then finally, as if this were not enough, he told me "If there was a pill I could take to change this attraction, I would take a hundred every day. No one would choose this. It's awful, but it is who I am." And that is when God changed my heart, and opened my eyes. I knew I could assure him that I still truly loved him, and that a new part of my journey from guilt to grace had started. I saw those dealing with homosexuality in a new way, not through the eyes of a condemning church, but through the eyes of a loving and gentle Christ.
That suicide crisis before he joined the army? At that point he could not reconcile what he felt and what he had been taught all of his life. If same gender attraction was a sin no matter if acted on it or not, then he had been created imperfect and flawed with no hope of Heaven, and no hope of love, and no hope of acceptance in his family, or most of his friends. He saw himself as the bane of Christianity, and he lost sight of what God could do, because at that point the only God he could see was the one who condemned him. He could see only the God portrayed in many churches. The one that condemned homosexuality above all other sins and destroyed entire cities due to their homosexual population. And no matter how hard he prayed, and no matter how many counselors he saw, he still felt attracted to men.
We continued to chat for a while longer. I assured him of my prayers, and my continued love and friendship. And because life moves on, he had duties to attend to, and I needed to . . . explode. I was drained, and tearful, and I needed someone to listen. So, I messaged another one of my very close friends. Through the years, this friend had brought me closer to the Lord than years of Christian education and church attendance had ever done. This person challenged me daily to press toward the high mark of serving Christ. This person scolded me when I needed it, and prayed for me. This person could not be a better friend. And when I revealed my other friend was gay, this person said they understood completely because they had walked the same path their entire life.
In my next post, I'll finish this story. Pray with me that we seek His face in prayer concerning what we are to do to help and be help by those Christians who deal with homosexuality.
One step closer to full Grace and Glory,
Teapotjan
Most of us who have left fundamentalism have been labeled as "bitter." And,in all honesty, I have to say I have struggled with it, especially at the start. I looked back at all the guilt I had endured. All the culottes I had sewed and worn, along with the lace my mom sewed on the bottom of a dress to make it "long enough." I thought about the hoops we had to jump through to be "good" Christians, and all the hell-fire-and-brimstone messages I had heard, and I got bitter. Still do, sometimes.
