Picket Fences and Rainbows

Meeting up with friends recently threw me into a particularly nostalgic mood. As is the usual case with this mind God gave me, that brings up both good and bad memories.

I'm very thankful for long time friends. God uses our shared experiences to remind us of His faithfulness during the difficult times, and His provision during the lean times. Sweet fellowship, tears, shared blessings and burdens renew our spirits for the journey ahead, and remind us of our purpose to serve Christ. These memories, precious and rare, are gifts.

And then, when the warmth of that sweet fellowship begins to fade, my mind (bless its heart) goes meandering down some of the darker paths in my past. But I've learned that those darker memories sometimes can also be a blessing in a different way.

Growing up in a very fundamental background, I followed the rules. I was the good girl. The example. The one church leaders pointed to and said "Ask her to help, she'll be glad to do whatever."

And they were right. I was dependable, hard-working, smart, and willing. I kept the nursery. I taught Sunday School. I sang solos when asked. I dressed modestly (no pants and always hose). I acted appropriately. Blushed accordingly, and I obeyed my parents, and respected my elders. My dad was a deacon, and church pianist. My mom taught Sunday school, and spoke in ladies's fellowship groups. In other words, we were a very good, church-going family. Indeed, we had two churches get their start in our living room.

I was saved at an early age. I am sure of that. God gave me assurance early and that has never been much of a personal struggle. My struggles come from a misperception rooted early in my life. The misperception that if I were the "good, go-to, I'll get right on that and work myself to death girl" that everything in life would turn out correctly. My spouse would be the love of my life. My children would be perfect and serve the Lord, and life will be easy-peasy, white picket fences, and rainbows.

All those high school chapel sermons said as much. If we did as we were told, and the guys grew to lead their homes, and the gals learned to submit to the guys, then God would bless us with sweet, obedient children and a Heaven on earth existence. Those families with problems like divorce, and drinking, and wayward children? They blew it badly somewhere, strayed and God had withdrawn His blessing. And we all knew that was pretty much the end of the world. One terrible thing, and that was it. Wasting away in the sea of sin until finally rescued by death or The Rapture, just barely saved by the skin of their teeth.

So, I went to weekend camps, threw my stick in the fire, and wept and prayed. I was always going to the altar at church to confess yet another weakness. And frankly, I felt being a Christian was really, really hard. Nevertheless, I continued on to attend a Christian University, and the teaching there was a little deeper, but the main point was the same. Do right, and life will be good. I followed the path set before me. Broke up with the guy that my parents didn't like, and married the guy that they did like. What in the world could go wrong?

In the next post, I'll continue down some of the dark paths of my memory, but not to worry, there are a few rainbows ahead.

Looking back to learn how to go forward,
Teapotjan

Treasured Teapots and Filthy Rags

Looking back on some of the attitudes and teaching from my fundamental past, one in particular keeps popping up in my thoughts lately. I sat through many sermons about the sinful nature of the human race and a Christian's own futile attempt to be anything but a filthy rag. I and the others in the congregation were call "vile," "wretched," "putrid," and "useless."  This often threw me into a fit of guilt and hopelessness, especially when I battled depression. Isaiah 64:6 was the usual text for this teaching: 

But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousness is as filthy rags;and we do all fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.

Please don't mistake what I am saying as heresy. Every human carries the burden of sin. All of us. Every. Single. One. From Adam to the newest child born seconds ago, not one of us can meet the requirements of perfection demanded by a Holy and Righteous Creator. We must look to Christ and His sacrifice to cover our sins and pay that debt. If you are reading this and don't understand what I'm saying, contact me and I'll be more than happy to explain.

But the consideration of that sacrifice started me thinking. Why would an omnipotent God make such a tremendous sacrifice for a bunch of throw away filthy, putrid, wretched, vile, useless beings? Then, I thought about the loveliness of my own children and how (on most days) it was hard to see them as "wretched.
I would do anything for these fellow sinners, and I am a mortal, imperfect human with a limited ability to love. How much more can God feel and do?
As I have often done in this journey, I turned to Scripture, and studied for myself, no longer dependent on man's interpretation, and I realized that the filthy rags mentioned in Isaiah do not refer to me, but to my feeble attempts to live up to His standards. If we attempt to do so, we fail miserably, and those attempts dry up and blow away like the leaves mentioned in Isaiah.

And another question popped up. If God sees our works as filthy rags, why do we even bother doing them? Back to Scripture:

Psalm 149:4

For the Lord takes pleasure in His people; he adorns the humble with salvation.

Also, as Genesis gives the account of Creation, we find that we were made in His image, and that He called His creation "good." The advent of sin did not diminish His pleasure in his creation. We are His jewels, His treasure, His delight, and He actively pursues ALL of us to join in fellowship with Him. It occurred me to at this point, that ALL of us must actively choose to either accept or to not accept His plan for eternal fellowship. And when we do accept this gift, and give Him praise, He receives pleasure and honor and love. He delights in our worship and works in His name.

Treasured, and protected by God. Loved in spite of failings. Sought after by the Most High. I will praise Him and He will be delighted!

Teapotjan

Serve God, Love others.

If I Could Fade Away

If I could fade away

• by Teapotjan, 21 minutes, 4s ago

If I could fade away from this place, this earth, this mortal vale.
And leave behind no tears, no sorrow, no regret, no fail.
I would.
I would fade away and fade, until vapor marked my final tear,
And be not sad, not hurt, not mortal, not . . . .here.
I should.
I should not feel this way at night, in the morning, and the in betweens.
My own self wars against me, and loses, and wins, and screams.
I could.
I could leave, but the leaving would be like a slash in time.
And I would cause tears, and sorrows, and regrets not mine.
I won't.
I won't fade away until God erases my breath, my heart, my place.
I'll stay and work and live in Grace.
I'll wait.

RIP Robin Williams.

Teapotjan

Teapot Tedium

This summer has been a time of reflection, rumination, and the resulting melancholy that a mind like mine always seems to sink into when reflecting,and ruminating.

There has been change that heralds further change: some good, some bad, and some that completely fills me with uncertainty and dread. But through all of this, one thing remains constant and unchanging, the love and grace of the God of creation.

I've often said that my favorite attribute of God is His immutability. Humans have their ups and downs. Our daily routine, in spite of the mundane nature of the term, can send our spirits soaring or plunge our souls into darkness. We develop from innocent, helpless, small beings into flawed adults with emotional baggage and ridiculous expectations in less than twenty years. Friends come, and go. Loved ones visit, grow older, and pass from our lives into eternity. We live in a constant state of change even when life seems tedious. All the while, God watches, unchanging and and unsurprised.

                                                      Overwhelmed_by_marjol3in

Speaking of tedious, the past week or so has defined the word "tedious." One occurrence after another led me to question God. Have I not learned enough? Am I not patient and kind? Is this really what you want for me? Can happiness not last more than a few minutes? Must reality step up immediately and slap us in the face? I want to be happy. I'm tired of crying. If things must change, why can't I have the change that I want? 

Many questions, some doubt, a lot of hurt, and disappointment. This isn't the first week in my life that has been tedious, and it won't be the last. So, how to hang on? 

And then, reminded by the Holy Spirit, I remember: 

As tedious and difficult that our time on earth might seem, even as the day grows longer, and the tears flow, and the losses seem unbearable, in the light of eternity these days are nothing. NOTHING. For those who believe in God's plan, and His gift of salvation, this is as bad as it will ever get. Our worse day on this planet defines our worse day in all of eternity. 

That doesn't mean that these days aren't hard. 

And with my flawed memory,  I will need reminding again and again. 

But when the realization of that truth washes over me, it feels like a breeze holding the promise of a cool night on a very hot day. 

It shines through my dark clouds of depression like a lighthouse marking my home in the distance. 

I'm not yet comfortable all the time, and I'm not home yet. But I see it ahead. Our unchanging, loving God waits there. He knows my path. He knows I struggle. He loves me. 

Looking ahead,

Teapotjan

Teapot's Resolution

The Place I Should Stand

Janet Lindsey O'Brien

Grasping an arm. 

Clutching a hand. 

But still being pulled from the place I should stand. 

Being pushed by the longings that tear at my heart,

and the knowledge that leaving could be a new start. 

I want that life. 

I want to be me. 

No voice to say "wait."

I want to be free. 

To live in the now, and learn from before, and look to tomorrow with promise of more. 

But…

The arm leads to shoulder, 

The hand wears a band. 

The voice calls "I love you" from the place I should stand. 

Promises made. Promises kept. 

The shoulder is wet, 

with the tears I have wept. 

I'll stay in the place I promised to be. 

But that pulling and pushing shook something big free. 

I'll stay in this place, but I can't be the same. 

There'll be no more waiting. 

I won't play that game. 

I want the support of that arm, hand and voice. 

But if it's not there, I chosen my choice. 

I'll act on my own while I stand in my place, 

And I'll fight to be me and set my own pace. 

Squeezing an arm. 

Holding a hand. 

Still staying put in the place I should stand. 

I can be me, and he can be he. 

And my pushing and pulling brings that new start to me!

With love,

Teapotjan