Yesterday a close friend of mine had surgery. She came through it well, and I believe that she will feel the better for it. She's been a dear, sister/friend for twenty four or more years, and this is the first time I couldn't be with her during her recovery. Needless to say, we have some history. Our longtime friendship allows us to look back to hard times and remind each other that if the Lord got us through a huge mess before, then surely He will do it again. As I prayed for her my mind wandered back to a few of those huge messes and how the reaction of some of our acquaintances actually made the situations much more difficult. Judgement instead of compassion. Selfishness, instead of edification. Separation instead of love. I'm no longer bitter toward the people involved, but in my human form it wouldn't take much to get me back there. Fortunately, I serve a very loving, patient God.
Many years ago my friend's husband was killed in a motorcycle accident. She found herself in the midst of the spiritual battle of her life. She questioned God. She questioned living. She questioned everything. Our Sunday school class responded quickly, surrounding her and her school-aged children with support and love. That time stands out to me as a beautiful example of God's children caring for one another. Emotions ran high. Promises of support poured from the mouths of friends. For quite awhile, those promises were honored, and our group of friends grew very close.
As time passed, emotions waned as did the support. There was one "friend" who had been close friends with the husband, and whose children were close to my friend's children. After a few months, he committed such an unthinkable act of selfishness, that he sent her children into a spiral away from all things remotely dealing with church and God. It was devastating to my friend, to me, and to those few who knew about what happened. Because of this unspoken act, our group grew apart, some of our children moved away from the Lord, and friendships were irreparably damaged.Those involved may be in Heaven before this issue can be fully resolved. But we often remind each other that God knows of the cowardice and selfishness involved. It's a bitter thing to swallow without becoming bitter.
Being a young mother, my friend wanted companionship and a husband to help her guide and lead her children back to the Lord. Eventually, she began dating a series of men all thought to be properly Christian and faithful to church. There were lies, improper proposals, and many tears involved, until she met the man that is now her husband. They were engaged. We started planning the wedding. We were all happy for them. They were both smart, intelligent people. She was a widow, and he was . . . divorced.
What? Divorced? Why? Did it fit within proper biblical standards? Where was his wife? He filed for it? Oh no, no, no, no. This can't be. Now, it didn't matter to the legalistic folks in our former group that the wife had left him, and moved in with someone else in another state. It didn't matter that both parties getting married were Christians, serving the Lord, and praying for wisdom. It only mattered that the man had filed the papers. The former wife had meantime gone around lying about physical abuse in her marriage, had obvious sin issues, and rejected counseling. But HE had filed the papers. These people (I can't call them "friends") refused to attend the wedding, and have since pretty much little or nothing to do with any of us willing to be involved. The hurt was great. It still is sometimes. These were people that had cried with us, shared holidays with us, fellowshipped with us. Friends that would keep each other's children, and share houses, and stories, and meals. And now, we are barely acquaintances.
I can respect people for having standards and convictions. But I do not respect those who separate from people who are demonstrating a true desire to do what is right. Christ's exemplifies the opposite. In my experience, judgmental actions and attitudes tend to drive those judged further away from church and from God. In grace, loving support can bring people closer to God far quicker than a standoffish, judgmental separation from those now deemed unfit for fellowship. Ah, legalism. If any of these folks read this and recognize themselves and are offended, I'm not sorry. But I do want them to know that living in the Grace of Christ, I would do anything for them if they needed help.
So, I look back, and I forgive (most days), but I don't want to forget. I need to remember how it felt, and what repercussions their actions had on my friend's family and mine. I must remember. I don't want to shame our Lord by doing the same. I remember so that I can still reach out to those I don't agree with and still help them in love.
I remember because God reaches out to the unlovely, the sad, the confused, and the sinful, and offers love, help, guidance and wisdom. And I remember because God doesn't remember because of the cross.
Love in His precious name,
Teapotjan
Questions? Comments? Stories to share? Please feel free to comment or email me using the links below.
This issue came up again when a dear, dear friend asked me if I thought it was okay escape an abusive relationship. Case in point: if a close friend/partner continually ignores and emotionally abuses you, failing to respond to requests for counsel or help, should you break completely and permanently away though it causes them great, and damaging emotional pain? Would God be okay with that? Is it okay to seek happiness after the break? Should you feel overwhelmingly guilty? 
Suffice it to say, that emotional abuse leaves scars and open wounds that often never heal. PTSD comes not so much from the physical abuse a victim suffers, but rather, the emotional harm and devaluation of their humanity the abuse caused. So abuse of any kind lingers with the victim emotionally long after the incident passes. 
