I'm not one for New Year's resolutions, but I do believe in goals. Not that I'm good at setting them, but I think they are important. Seriously. Maybe I show set a goal of improving my method of setting goals, but . . . .
Anyway, I do plan on blogging more consistently, even in the face of upheaval and change. Blogging helps the tempest in the teapot not grow to hurricane proportions, and maybe I can continue to help and bless people as I go.
Onward to the year in review!
2013 contained a lot of happiness, disappointments, and general suckiness. I'm thrilled to kiss it goodbye soon. But, even while I go through its last days and think back, there isn't much I would change. That's hard to say really, but I wouldn't have learned the lessons I have learned, met the people I met, and grown the way I have grown without some of that said suckiness.
January started out pretty well. But we had to pull my daughter from regular school because of her chronic nerve disorder. She missed her friends. She still hurt. She hates doctors appointments. And we learned that we are TERRIBLE at homeschooling. Remember that whole goal setting problem I have?. . . well apparently, it's genetic.
February held its own challenges at work. My supervisor did not think I was doing my job well, so it was requested that I go to three weeks of classes about 2 hours aways from home. I enjoyed the classes. Made some very good friends, and did well in all of my scores. One of the connections I made allowed me to help with a project that brought me great satisfaction. What those classes did not help was the view that my supervisor had of my job performance.
March. I was disliking the long hours at work, and the seemingly endless things I was doing wrong. I was growing more and more depressed and working harder and harder, but I believe I was attempting this in my own strength. After a particularly candid visit with a friend I starting blogging at her suggestion that it would help. She was right.
April. Oh, sweet April. I posted my first blog entry in April. I've been reading back through some of those entries. I relived some of the emotions, and I bow my head and thank God that I have made it to the end of this year without any time in jail. I'm being facetious of course, but let's just say God and my family had to be patient. The number of issues I had at work seemed to decrease, but the strain of the hours, my daughter's pain, and an overcrowded house taught me some thing about myself that I didn't like. But God was good, and I grew closer to Him.
May marked my final month at my job. In spite of asking how to improve, and receiving satisfactory answers, etc. I still did not live up to my supervisor's expectations, and the month ended with me resigning that job at their request. If you know me even a little, you know I cried. My pride was hurt, and my wallet was suicidal. I know other things happened, but even now, that resignation overshadows my joy in anything in that month.
June brought relief in some areas and more stress in others. I was out of a job, but I enjoyed the free time to help others. I started trying to work on my art. My husband, baffled by my tears, confused by my complicated personality that had elevated me to delirious highs only to send me plummeting into aforementioned tears, worked to support my dream of becoming an artist and having a studio. But as hard as he tried, that old, suicidal wallet held back much of what he could do. However, as I will explain in the near future, God did not desert me or my family.
That's enough for one sitting. I have much more to share. Please pray that I will keep reaching for my current goal of consistent blogging. And if you have any comments or suggestions, please share either in the comments or by email, or on Facebook.
Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for part two. Spoiler alert! God is Still GREAT.
Looking back and looking up!
Teapotjan
Since you are joining on my journey from guilt to grace, I'm going to be as transparent as possible, tell you my problems and frustrations, and then see how God makes them a lesson. He always does. So . . . let's talk about this morning.
It's my last day off before doing a three day work weekend: Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, twelve hours each day. I don't get much accomplished on these weekends except work. I'm no spring teapot and thirty-six hours in three days just takes a bit more out of me now than it would have twenty years ago. That being said, I try to get a few things done ahead of time. You know, silly stuff like cleaning, and spending time with my family and so on.
I slept in for a bit. When I woke up, I lay there planning what to do. I've been putting off my bedroom until I could put away winter clothes and bring out the spring and summer stuff. So today was the day! My husband wakes up, and he's sick. Running a fever. Tired. Needs to rest. In the bedroom. Argh. Not mad. Just can't reach that goal. Grumble. Need breakfast, need coffee.
Since I don't have to work, I think a biscuit that I don't have to eat in the car on the way to work would be great. Hubby doesn't want one. My dad wants a sausage, egg and cheese, the one other person awake wants bacon, egg and cheese. Sounds good. Make coffee. Go to get in van, and I'm parked in. Since I wear my emotions on my sleeve these days, I cry dumb tears of sheer frustration. I could have a meltdown. I'm tired. I deserve it. But then I won't get a biscuit, and neither will my dad, and neither will the other awake person. So, I have to rouse the driver of the car that parked me in, and have them move it. I somehow muster enough kindness to offer that person a biscuit as well, but they were going back to bed. BACK TO BED?
I guess I haven't mentioned that my next plan of attack was to clean and vacuum the hall and family room before I went this afternoon to babysit for one of my dearest friends and hangout with two of the cutest twins this side of anywhere. But that would wake the sleeping-in person whom I had already gotten up to move the car so I could get the biscuits. ARGH.
Thankfully the trip to the biscuit place was uneventful, because the Lord knew this teapot was probably steamed up enough to commit some serious road rage crime. I delivered the biscuits to their proper recipients and sat down in the uncleaned, not-vacuumed family room to watch television, drink my coffee, and eat my biscuit while not in a car. And I can't find the remote. I think I have, but it turns out the one I found was the old, broken one that had the batteries removed and was thrown away. But, like a zombie, it had returned from its grave and was now apparently searching for battery brains. ARGH! ARGH!
What to do? What to do? Pray? No, I'm too mad. Get up and look for the remote? No, the old one would just eat its batteries. Plot murders? No, those are illegal and I work in law enforcement-too much paper work. Ah! I'll write. That's the outlet the Lord has provided and that's what I'll do!
And as I write, I think. What does the Lord want me to learn? Why am I frustrated to the point of tears. I have the stupid hot water, why can't I reach the stupid tea? It's just tea. . . .It's just cleaning. . . .It's just a minor delay. It's just . . .minor.
Where once I would have continued to be frustrated, I'm sharing my lesson learned through the outlet the Lord has provided. Instead of feeling wretchedly guilty that I'm not a good wife, mother, friend, daughter, I'll look to Him for grace to do what I need to do today. Even while writing this, I feel calmer and eager to see my friend in a short while. It doesn't hurt that I'll get in some cute, twin snuggles later today, either.
Is it a perfect day? No, no, it's not. Is it an awful day? Yes, partly it is. Is it a day to be defeated? No! I don't have to enjoy the struggles and frustration. But, I can sure learn lessons from these struggles and any others that come my way today. Will I cry again today? Maybe, maybe not. But that's another outlet the Lord has me use now, so no big deal.
It's Grace, folks. Not guilt. It's lessons learned, and forgotten and learned again. It's crying, and laughing, and helping, and loving and apologizing and whatever it needs to be to serve Him.
Besides, I actually like coffee better. And I CAN reach that.
Parked in, but okay with it. Sorry I groused.
Teapotjan
