Teapot's Resolution

The Place I Should Stand

Janet Lindsey O'Brien

Grasping an arm. 

Clutching a hand. 

But still being pulled from the place I should stand. 

Being pushed by the longings that tear at my heart,

and the knowledge that leaving could be a new start. 

I want that life. 

I want to be me. 

No voice to say "wait."

I want to be free. 

To live in the now, and learn from before, and look to tomorrow with promise of more. 

But…

The arm leads to shoulder, 

The hand wears a band. 

The voice calls "I love you" from the place I should stand. 

Promises made. Promises kept. 

The shoulder is wet, 

with the tears I have wept. 

I'll stay in the place I promised to be. 

But that pulling and pushing shook something big free. 

I'll stay in this place, but I can't be the same. 

There'll be no more waiting. 

I won't play that game. 

I want the support of that arm, hand and voice. 

But if it's not there, I chosen my choice. 

I'll act on my own while I stand in my place, 

And I'll fight to be me and set my own pace. 

Squeezing an arm. 

Holding a hand. 

Still staying put in the place I should stand. 

I can be me, and he can be he. 

And my pushing and pulling brings that new start to me!

With love,

Teapotjan

Abusing the Abused

Tom, cowered and limping walks into his local bank asking to meet with the loan officer, Howard. Tom's face is drawn, and dark shadows surround his eyes. He avoids looking directly at the loan officer at first, but after a deep breath, he looks up and says "I need help. My store was robbed two years ago by the Mayor's son, Robert. He stole most of my inventory, and I have never quite recovered the loss. I didn't report it because I was so ashamed that I couldn't protect my store. But, I've come to the point that I must do something in order to buy food, and escape from the fear of being robbed again." 


Howard motions Tom to sit, and after 

confirming that Tom has spoken to no one else, begins: "Well, we shouldn't take this to the police because public knowledge of the Mayor's son thieving ways would really hurt our little town's reputation, wouldn't it? But I'll be glad to lead you through the process of recovery.I really, truly want to help you, Tom. You're a good friend, and the city loves you." And then Howard begins his questioning. 

"First, did you in any way ever invite Robert to steal your merchandise? You know, did you ever give him a discount or a free item?Because that's like an open invitation to someone like Robert. Oh, and did he take anything that you were glad to be rid of? If so, he really kind of did you a favor, didn't he? And finally,have you called Robert to tell him that you have forgiven him for stealing your things, and to ask him to forgive you for allowing it to happen?" In desperation, and disbelief, Tom gets up quickly, and leaves without so much as a glance back. Two days later, they find his body in the burned ruins of his store. And Robert's father complacently carries on the work of running his small town. "Poor Tom," the mayor says, "I hate he lost his store, but he kind of brought it on himself. At least our fine city is still safe and sound in the eyes of the public."

Honestly? I feel silly writing this, but I'm trying to make a serious point. This is how many Christian organizations treat victims of sexual and physical abuse. The abused, already broken and ashamed, finally muster the courage to come forward about their abuser, and are questioned about what they did to cause the abuse. What convoluted thinking! Further, one of the first things they are asked to do is forgive their abuser, and ask their abuser to forgive them. ARGH! Now, I agree that we must forgive our enemies and those that hurt us. I know that's an important part of the healing process. But it is rarely, if ever, the first part. Pushing for a major move like that early in the process compares to asking a gunshot victim to rummage their own wound for the bullet. 

The following comes from Rebecca Davis, a friend of mine who stands staunchly in support of abuse victims. She just posted this on her Facebook page as I sat to write this entry. In lieu of what I had planned to write, here is what Rebecca shared, followed by a link to her page so that you can read the comments and responses:

**I just received this from a survivor friend who asked to be kept anonymous. Please read and tag any friends who might be interested in having a better understanding. It's public, so anyone can read it.**

I want to share something through Rebecca to many of you who read her posts. I am one of the many who Rebecca speaks for when she posts about abuse that happened at BJU. She knows many of the details of my experiences and BJU’s response to it.

Many of the things that Rebecca posts, I experienced first hand. She has seen some of the written records of my experiences. I wonder sometimes, what it is that makes so many read her posts and turn away, either without commenting, or telling her that she should remain silent. I realize that many don't know very much personally and don't want to comment on something they have little understanding of, but there are some who believe these things shouldn't be stated. If Rebecca has seen evidence of what she is writing about, does that not qualify her to be free to speak? to be free to plead for understanding?

There are many of us reading her posts and wishing that we had the freedom to share our experiences ourselves and know that we are still welcome within the church community. I am one of those who has found that church is not really a safe place for survivors of abuse. While there are most definitely specific people and even leaders within some church communities who have shown me much kindness and compassion, the church--both locally based churches as well as the Church in general--just really doesn’t have a place for us; many in the churches want us to remain silent.

I know many of the people who reported to GRACE about their experiences at BJU. Most remain silent and most stay away from churches. I don’t know of many who are willing to openly discuss the abuses and responses at BJU. When I read your comments on Rebecca's posts, I feel very alone and know that “church” is not really a place for me, nor is it a place for other survivors, particularly for those whose offenders are well liked and admired by the Christian community.

Please understand that I think we should always speak wisely and with caution. Accusations should not be made lightly. Also, we are limited in ever truly understanding the motivation of those who did wrong. Many involved in all of this are “nice” people. Many are people who have done many good things in their lives. I am not arguing this. It doesn’t however, negate the fact that many have been deeply wounded by “nice” people who have sexually abused and/or raped them. Many have been deeply wounded by the counsel from “nice” people who caused further harm to the victims.

I realize that because many of us still live within the vicinity of BJU, there are many very strong emotions that are stirred when this topic comes up. Some people comment directly on Rebecca’s posts. Others comment elsewhere, in writing and/or in varied conversations with others. I have a few questions for you.

Many of you state that you don’t condone abuse, but you still often make statements that we should be silent until there is proof. Why is that? What kind of proof is needed? Why do so many find it wrong that we discuss our experiences and/or allow Rebecca to be a voice for some of us? Why do so many feel that we all need to remain silent until the GRACE report is completed? Is each of us supposed to remain alone until an outside agency verifies our experiences? In one of the most recent articles published, some victims spoke directly of their experiences. Documentation was included in the article that backs the victim’s claims and show at least some evidence of BJU’s response. Yet many still act as if it isn’t enough. Instead, the news agency who reported is questioned about their motivations in reporting. Why? Some have seen it as wrong for victims to speak to a secular news group. Why? If they are willing to take the time to verify the truthfulness of the claims, what makes it wrong for us to speak with them? Telling us that we should not speak to a “secular” reporting group feels very much like what we were taught at BJU, not to report our abuse to “secular” authorities, to let the “church” handle it. We see how well that worked. Offenders simply moved on to other victims, and abuse continued.

I have waited for a long time, mostly silently, for the GRACE report to come out. As the months have dragged on, I wonder if the GRACE report will even make a difference. The fact that GRACE became involved at BJU is miraculous, but what if they had never been hired? Would we all be accused of gossiping by telling our experiences without an agency to verify our claims? Is truth true only if GRACE validates it? If our stories can’t be heard now, then what changes simply because GRACE reports our experiences? If you aren’t willing to hear directly from the victims, why will you listen to GRACE? What will you do when the report comes out? Will you believe it? Will you shun the victims who reported? How will we all respond when there are people we care about on both sides, offenders who are loved, others who are loved who covered offenses and provided traumatizing and wrong counsel to victims, and the victims themselves, all within our community? How will we sort this out?

Consider this: what if I witnessed my child killed by a drunk driver in my front yard. What if I held my child, realizing that he is dead, saw the driver exit her car stumbling around in an obvious state of drunkenness, saw her car filled with bottles of alcohol partially emptied. Would I need to remain silent? Could I share my agony, confusion, and suffering with my church family or the community at large, or would I be told to remain silent because the autopsy has not yet been completed and the driver who has admitted to being drunk has not yet been sentenced in court? What if the drunk driver is declared incompetent to stand trial due to some extenuating circumstances? Does that make it any less true that she has killed my child and I am hurting? What if she is a respected leader in the community? Should I hide my pain to protect her? What if she is a Sunday school teacher, well loved within our own church family? Does that mean I must remain completely silent and alone in order to not add to her pain? What if I have forgiven her and have compassion for the struggle she is facing? Does that mean I can’t struggle and be open about my own pain as well?

I have heard many sermons about living in "community" and on being open and transparent about our struggles. Why is that okay ONLY when our struggles aren't connected to Christian leaders who abuse? What if one of us stood in front of your church and recounted our experiences? How hated would we be if doing so brings to light some things that many just don't want to know? Do you know the risk that so many of us took in reporting to GRACE? Do you realize that many of us who did so are right in your midst hearing and reading your responses? Do you understand why we can't go to church?   

Link to Rebecca's Post on Facebook 

Standing in support of the abused,
Teapotjan

Facebook Post from Rebecca Davis

I See Living People

Do you ever look around at the people passing all around? Do you know the people who live five doors down? Three doors? Next door? How about the tired-looking waiter at your favorite lunch time hangout? You've spoken with him a dozen times, but you don't remember his name. I'm not fussing. I'm confessing. We're all busy. We're all tired. And we all need love.

During my time entrenched in the "big F" Fundamentalist mindset, I did look around at those around me. I've been curious all my life. But, often, I quickly dismissed most based on some skewed vision of with whom I should interact. "Oh, her skirt is short!" "He's wearing a necklace." "That couple had a drink with their meal, they can't be Christians. Not really. At least, not good ones."

Looking back, I am dismayed over my inner dialogue concerning the suitability of these souls for my attention. Souls created and loved by the God I serve. Souls going through their own trials and hurts. Eternal souls. And I dismissed them because of a tattoo, the length and style of hair, or the beat of a song coming from their car radio. 

Praise God for His Grace and this journey He has given me! I've always enjoyed meeting people, and when I finally started seeing others around me as Christ did, my options expanded immeasurably! These days my journey from guilt to grace causes my path to cross the paths of many people like those I would have dismissed before. And I am grateful. 

Dear Father, please help me see all of the souls around me as you see them. Help me to love them. Let me serve you by serving them. And help me to point them to your grace and peace.

Always watching,

Teapotjan

What's your Point?

I've wanted to write for the past month, but life has provided road block after road block preventing me from enough quiet, private time to do so. Today, I'm at home from work, not feeling well, and the passion that I need to write a good post just doesn't seem to exist. However, I have my laptop in its proper place, and perhaps as I tap away at the keyboard, the passion will hear me and come to visit.

Lately, many people have commented to me on the state of the church, the state of the country, and the state of the world. There are few, if any, good comments. It seems that civilization, in general, is hurling toward Hades in a hand basket. In my personal life, and in my household, frustrations abound. Someone that I really need to understand how I feel seems incapable of listening without jumping to conclusions (most of which are incorrect), and trying to fix a problem that they don't need to worry about, all the while neglecting the problems that I thought I had clearly explained. Life becomes one big, gigantic, heavy sigh, and a hopeless shrug of the shoulders.

Somewhere between flippant dismissal of the issue, and the dark abyss of giving up exists the place I am today. Befuddled as to why I can't seem to handle this current state except without becoming yet more frustrated, my best relief seems to be bursting into tears. But tears upset the jumping conclusion person, who in turn tries to fix the perceived problem, and when the outcome is once again incorrect, that person becomes defensive. 

Said person recently posted an article on their Facebook page. That piece almost directly opposes several tenets of my current ministry. I had those who messaged me telling me how it hurt them very badly. After discussing it with the poster, and maybe even fighting

a bit about it being taken down, we agreed to disagree, and decided in true American fashion that we were both free to post when we like. Not a satisfying step, and it certainly was not my first choice, but a necessary one to prevent harming the relationship, and in turn, the cause of Christ.

So why was I willing to stop fighting for it to be taken down? Again, it was not my first choice. Still isn't. But as a follower of Christ, I saw that the argument was no longer edifying to anyone. It was hurting the poster, it was hurting me, and it wasn't helping those who were already hurt by the post. It also hit me that I could share the experience as an example of what I feel is happening in evangelical churches around the world.

Our churches are ripping apart over fights just as insignificant as this. Many are so adamant that their way is the ONLY way to dress, worship, pray, preach, sing, interpret Scripture, witness, act, think, speak, that they are driving people from the very Christ they say they want others to accept. Even an issue as seemingly important as the current hot topic of homosexuality and Christians, pales in comparison to the importance of sharing the Gospel of Christ.

Infighting among Christ's followers is no way to show others that we are a people called apart to point others to Him. In most arguments I've observed, the participants aren't pointing toward Christ but at each other in blame.And if we aren't using our strength to serve Him,and point others to Him, what's the use?

I have no one to answer to God for but myself. No one's judgment counts for eternity but God's. I may one day see my earthly attempts at worship burn up like hay, but my place in Heaven was secured by God's gift of salvation and sacrifice. And those works that I did to lead others to Christ will last, not to procure my salvation, but to honor the Savior who procured eternal life for me.

And because of that precious gift, and the desire to follow His commandments: Serve and love God above all others, love others as yourself, I put my argument to the side, and work toward pointing others to Christ.

I'm still hurt. I probably will be for a while. I'm human, and a sometimes fragile one at that. Christ provides a healing balm for the ravages of sin, and the hurt suffered during our walk on earth. He's a GREAT GOD, almighty, and powerful. Look at Him! See His way. And when asked why you can put personal hurts to the side, point to Him!

Serve God, Love others,

Pointing Up,

Teapotjan 

Let's Not Make it Harder Than it Has to Be

I think most of you will agree that life is hard, actually, most of the time. We live under the shadow of the fall of man, and the sin that exists in everyone's life. It takes no effort on our part to have a horrendous day. In fact, we often have to work to make a day a good one for ourselves and for others. Life is hard enough without turning every task into a Goldberg machine.

So why, why, why, why must so many Christians work at judging others and their lives? In the process of judging others, they expend their own energy, time and happiness in making another person's life hard. WHY? I've mentioned before that I've seen many "saintly, revered" folk walk around looking like they just smelled something horrible, their faces frozen into a perpetual expression of disdain and self piety. The energy and time they expend in judgement and criticism would be far better used in furthering the cause of Christ by helping and loving those they currently disdain.

I've met many people struggling with self hate, depression, and hopelessness because of people who took it upon themselves to inform others of just how sinful their actions are. And I've found that many of those struggling turn away from God because of those "informative" people. I know that probably was not the informant's purpose, but it is often the result.

And isn't that exactly the opposite of what Christ commanded us to do? He left us with two commandments that summed up His ministry and all of the Old Testament commandments: 
1. Serve and love God above all else. 2. Love others as you love yourself.
I'm not seeing any mention in either these two commandments or in the original ten that mention we are to be another's judge.

Folks, it's not "us" versus "them." It's not sinner versus saint. It's not straight versus gay, black versus white, preacher versus bishop, Baptist versus Catholic or us versus anything. It's God versus Satan. Evil versus good. And God, the ultimate creator and power of all, is the one who will do ALL judging that actually counts. And besides, if we see someone in obvious sin, in love shouldn't we go beside that person and HELP them, and pray for them? Every Christian carries the Holy Spirit within, and we can leave all the convicting to Him. And since we should not expect the unsaved to follow the commandments of a God they do not serve, shouldn't we be an example of God's grace as a saved sinner with an eternal Hope they don't have?

So, take it easy- so to speak. Use the energy you could expend on judging others to glorify God. Tell others of His Grace and Love. Live a life that mirrors Christ's ministry. He knew the sins of all those around him, and yet loved them, and ministered to them without discrimination or disdain. The only time we see Christ speak in a less than forgiving manner was against the hypocritical, religious leaders that took advantage of those seeking to serve God by sacrificing at the temple, and those judgmental  leaders who "praised God" that they were not like the common sinner.

Frankly, I think it's hard enough judging my own motives and service to Christ. I don't have time to worry about what others are doing except to see how I can help them. And I don't have time to judge them. I'll just leave that job up to the only Being in existence that can justly, and righteously judge us all.

Here I am, grateful to God for His Love and Grace, and "taking it easy."

Teapotjan