Abuse and a Friend

First, I have been pondering many issues, and knew that I had much to share. That's what brought me back to my blog. So many people hurt. They feel alone. They are intimidated by big scholarly books, and they need down to earth advice and help. That is why I answered the Teapot's whistle. It is my ministry, and part of my calling. It scares and humbles me that people actually read my words, so I pray for wisdom. I share in order to serve God and love others, and I do not want to bring reproach to my Lord. I welcome your prayers, suggestions, and questions.

A while back I wrote a blog called Better Than I Deserve. After some thinking about that phrase, common in many Christian groups, I came to the conclusion that this response might not be particularly accurate. But let me say that I understand what the person stating it means, and I find no fault in anyone who uses it. 

This issue came up again when a dear, dear friend asked me if I thought it was okay escape an abusive relationship. Case in point: if a close friend/partner continually ignores and emotionally abuses you, failing to respond to requests for counsel or help, should you break completely and permanently away though it causes them great, and damaging emotional pain? Would God be okay with that? Is it okay to seek happiness after the break? Should you feel overwhelmingly guilty? 

With my big "F" Fundamentalist background along with my people-pleasing personality, my answer a few years ago would have been a resounding "NO!" I would have counseled the hurt party to pray for patience, and stick it out in the name of putting someone else first. After all, we are taught to always put others first. But, it struck me wrong that God would want one of His children to suffer at the hand of another.

I have searched for verses that apply to abusive relationships. What I have found is that most of them refer to how or how not the relationship reflects Christ's love for the Church. In fact, Jeremiah 3:8 speaks of how God "divorced" Israel because they had broken the covenant or vow He had with them. It's there, go read it if you don't believe me. A broken vow can be repaired, but if the one who broke it refuses the repair, then the vow no longer stands. It's an easy choice for many when adultery or physical abuse breaks the vow. But verbal abuse seems an unlikely reason to divorce or break a partnership to anyone who never experienced it. Those who have suffered from emotional abuse know better. But that's another blog entry.

Suffice it to say, that emotional abuse leaves scars and open wounds that often never heal. PTSD comes not so much from the physical abuse a victim suffers, but rather, the emotional harm and devaluation of their humanity the abuse caused. So abuse of any kind lingers with the victim emotionally long after the incident passes. 

I hate reading long posts, so I will stop with this: There is NO VERSE or teaching in the Bible that says a person must stay in an abusive relationship. Next, we'll talk about the aftermath of the break.

Praying for wisdom, grace, and peace.
Teapotjan

Abusing the Abused

Tom, cowered and limping walks into his local bank asking to meet with the loan officer, Howard. Tom's face is drawn, and dark shadows surround his eyes. He avoids looking directly at the loan officer at first, but after a deep breath, he looks up and says "I need help. My store was robbed two years ago by the Mayor's son, Robert. He stole most of my inventory, and I have never quite recovered the loss. I didn't report it because I was so ashamed that I couldn't protect my store. But, I've come to the point that I must do something in order to buy food, and escape from the fear of being robbed again." 


Howard motions Tom to sit, and after 

confirming that Tom has spoken to no one else, begins: "Well, we shouldn't take this to the police because public knowledge of the Mayor's son thieving ways would really hurt our little town's reputation, wouldn't it? But I'll be glad to lead you through the process of recovery.I really, truly want to help you, Tom. You're a good friend, and the city loves you." And then Howard begins his questioning. 

"First, did you in any way ever invite Robert to steal your merchandise? You know, did you ever give him a discount or a free item?Because that's like an open invitation to someone like Robert. Oh, and did he take anything that you were glad to be rid of? If so, he really kind of did you a favor, didn't he? And finally,have you called Robert to tell him that you have forgiven him for stealing your things, and to ask him to forgive you for allowing it to happen?" In desperation, and disbelief, Tom gets up quickly, and leaves without so much as a glance back. Two days later, they find his body in the burned ruins of his store. And Robert's father complacently carries on the work of running his small town. "Poor Tom," the mayor says, "I hate he lost his store, but he kind of brought it on himself. At least our fine city is still safe and sound in the eyes of the public."

Honestly? I feel silly writing this, but I'm trying to make a serious point. This is how many Christian organizations treat victims of sexual and physical abuse. The abused, already broken and ashamed, finally muster the courage to come forward about their abuser, and are questioned about what they did to cause the abuse. What convoluted thinking! Further, one of the first things they are asked to do is forgive their abuser, and ask their abuser to forgive them. ARGH! Now, I agree that we must forgive our enemies and those that hurt us. I know that's an important part of the healing process. But it is rarely, if ever, the first part. Pushing for a major move like that early in the process compares to asking a gunshot victim to rummage their own wound for the bullet. 

The following comes from Rebecca Davis, a friend of mine who stands staunchly in support of abuse victims. She just posted this on her Facebook page as I sat to write this entry. In lieu of what I had planned to write, here is what Rebecca shared, followed by a link to her page so that you can read the comments and responses:

**I just received this from a survivor friend who asked to be kept anonymous. Please read and tag any friends who might be interested in having a better understanding. It's public, so anyone can read it.**

I want to share something through Rebecca to many of you who read her posts. I am one of the many who Rebecca speaks for when she posts about abuse that happened at BJU. She knows many of the details of my experiences and BJU’s response to it.

Many of the things that Rebecca posts, I experienced first hand. She has seen some of the written records of my experiences. I wonder sometimes, what it is that makes so many read her posts and turn away, either without commenting, or telling her that she should remain silent. I realize that many don't know very much personally and don't want to comment on something they have little understanding of, but there are some who believe these things shouldn't be stated. If Rebecca has seen evidence of what she is writing about, does that not qualify her to be free to speak? to be free to plead for understanding?

There are many of us reading her posts and wishing that we had the freedom to share our experiences ourselves and know that we are still welcome within the church community. I am one of those who has found that church is not really a safe place for survivors of abuse. While there are most definitely specific people and even leaders within some church communities who have shown me much kindness and compassion, the church--both locally based churches as well as the Church in general--just really doesn’t have a place for us; many in the churches want us to remain silent.

I know many of the people who reported to GRACE about their experiences at BJU. Most remain silent and most stay away from churches. I don’t know of many who are willing to openly discuss the abuses and responses at BJU. When I read your comments on Rebecca's posts, I feel very alone and know that “church” is not really a place for me, nor is it a place for other survivors, particularly for those whose offenders are well liked and admired by the Christian community.

Please understand that I think we should always speak wisely and with caution. Accusations should not be made lightly. Also, we are limited in ever truly understanding the motivation of those who did wrong. Many involved in all of this are “nice” people. Many are people who have done many good things in their lives. I am not arguing this. It doesn’t however, negate the fact that many have been deeply wounded by “nice” people who have sexually abused and/or raped them. Many have been deeply wounded by the counsel from “nice” people who caused further harm to the victims.

I realize that because many of us still live within the vicinity of BJU, there are many very strong emotions that are stirred when this topic comes up. Some people comment directly on Rebecca’s posts. Others comment elsewhere, in writing and/or in varied conversations with others. I have a few questions for you.

Many of you state that you don’t condone abuse, but you still often make statements that we should be silent until there is proof. Why is that? What kind of proof is needed? Why do so many find it wrong that we discuss our experiences and/or allow Rebecca to be a voice for some of us? Why do so many feel that we all need to remain silent until the GRACE report is completed? Is each of us supposed to remain alone until an outside agency verifies our experiences? In one of the most recent articles published, some victims spoke directly of their experiences. Documentation was included in the article that backs the victim’s claims and show at least some evidence of BJU’s response. Yet many still act as if it isn’t enough. Instead, the news agency who reported is questioned about their motivations in reporting. Why? Some have seen it as wrong for victims to speak to a secular news group. Why? If they are willing to take the time to verify the truthfulness of the claims, what makes it wrong for us to speak with them? Telling us that we should not speak to a “secular” reporting group feels very much like what we were taught at BJU, not to report our abuse to “secular” authorities, to let the “church” handle it. We see how well that worked. Offenders simply moved on to other victims, and abuse continued.

I have waited for a long time, mostly silently, for the GRACE report to come out. As the months have dragged on, I wonder if the GRACE report will even make a difference. The fact that GRACE became involved at BJU is miraculous, but what if they had never been hired? Would we all be accused of gossiping by telling our experiences without an agency to verify our claims? Is truth true only if GRACE validates it? If our stories can’t be heard now, then what changes simply because GRACE reports our experiences? If you aren’t willing to hear directly from the victims, why will you listen to GRACE? What will you do when the report comes out? Will you believe it? Will you shun the victims who reported? How will we all respond when there are people we care about on both sides, offenders who are loved, others who are loved who covered offenses and provided traumatizing and wrong counsel to victims, and the victims themselves, all within our community? How will we sort this out?

Consider this: what if I witnessed my child killed by a drunk driver in my front yard. What if I held my child, realizing that he is dead, saw the driver exit her car stumbling around in an obvious state of drunkenness, saw her car filled with bottles of alcohol partially emptied. Would I need to remain silent? Could I share my agony, confusion, and suffering with my church family or the community at large, or would I be told to remain silent because the autopsy has not yet been completed and the driver who has admitted to being drunk has not yet been sentenced in court? What if the drunk driver is declared incompetent to stand trial due to some extenuating circumstances? Does that make it any less true that she has killed my child and I am hurting? What if she is a respected leader in the community? Should I hide my pain to protect her? What if she is a Sunday school teacher, well loved within our own church family? Does that mean I must remain completely silent and alone in order to not add to her pain? What if I have forgiven her and have compassion for the struggle she is facing? Does that mean I can’t struggle and be open about my own pain as well?

I have heard many sermons about living in "community" and on being open and transparent about our struggles. Why is that okay ONLY when our struggles aren't connected to Christian leaders who abuse? What if one of us stood in front of your church and recounted our experiences? How hated would we be if doing so brings to light some things that many just don't want to know? Do you know the risk that so many of us took in reporting to GRACE? Do you realize that many of us who did so are right in your midst hearing and reading your responses? Do you understand why we can't go to church?   

Link to Rebecca's Post on Facebook 

Standing in support of the abused,
Teapotjan

Facebook Post from Rebecca Davis

That's Not Natural-The Torn Teapot, Part three

But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.

Isaiah 43:1

At the end of the last post I shared that I had found a second, close friend had struggled with homosexuality their whole life. That realization along with the implications of the life they had lived in the decades I knew them washed over me in waves of fear, and pity, and doubt. The younger friend? I had seen that coming. This older, long-time friend--I hadn't guessed. But even while tears poured down my cheeks, and sleep eluded me, I knew these two people were devout Christians. I knew they were my true friends, and I knew that I loved them both deeply.

"Through thick and thin, that's me and my friend. 

No matter what. No matter where. No matter."

I requested that my family leave me to myself for a couple of days so that I could pray,read, and research. I found it difficult to sleep. I was consumed with the desire to understand how God wanted me to handle this. I read and reread all the so-called "clobber" verses that so many point to with this issue. And I had no answers. "I'm not gay!" "Why do I have to worry about this?" "Why did God do this and allow that?" "Why can't they just change?" and on and on the questions rose from my heart and soul and I threw them at God like an angry child. And God listened, loved, calmed, forgave, and taught.

Two days later, I came out of my retreat a better Christian with a greater understanding of what God had for me. Those friends had not changed from before they told me. I was the one who had changed. And my unchanging God had taught me several things, but here are the two biggest lessons.

Homosexual attraction is NOT a sin. There are no Bible verses that can be quoted or misconstrued to support the belief that it is. People can be attracted to their own gender and still be Godly, loving Christians. I won't back down on that point. There is much more to this whole matter I know. But we can build on this knowledge when dealing with those who struggle with this in their own lives, and in the lives of family members.

Next, the church must change how it deals with those Christians who struggle with homosexuality, and actually with the issue of homosexuality all together. But, in this series, I am specifically addressing my concerns toward treatment of homosexuals in the body of Christ. Isaiah 43:1, the verse at the top of this post states how God actually views ALL redeemed homosexuals, thieves, liars, murderers, and sinners in general. He didn't pick any one sin above the others and rate His love accordingly. To point out a problem to a Christian over and over and provide no help and no love leaves that Christian frustrated, depressed, bitter, and possibly suicidal. Any possible service they could have provided to the body of Christ and any testimony to His Grace could be lost. And the implications of that loss could be eternal.

Finally (not really, but at least for now), we need to provide a ministry to those dealing with homosexuality AND their families. I come from a background where any mention of this subject from a person would illicit bad jokes, teasing, and immediate shunning. I remember one instance now, where all of us self-righteous teens walked away from someone obviously struggling, clicking our tongues, rolling our eyes, and making false promises to pray. Yes, that person was gay. And that person had reached out for help. The help didn't come, but the shaming did. That person left our group of Christian friends because of the teasing. Bitterness followed, then depression. And a few years later, suicide. That person possessed great intelligence, talent, and a knowledge of God's word. But a lack of help and support extinguished any light they could have shone for Christ.

I'm sure that there are families out there who have children and siblings who have come out of the closet to them. They don't want their friends to know about their child. They are ashamed and worried. They also love their child but have no safe place to talk with anyone without fear of the same shunning. Not even a spouse or close friend. Dear soul, message me. I'll do my best to work with you and share some of my resources. And I promise ( I have references) that I will not disclose any names, numbers, or anything that you do not wish to share with others.

So, why after all of this am I the "Torn Teapot"? In the interest of being totally open, it's because I haven't figured it all out yet. I don't know if Christian homosexuals are or are not allowed to have loving, monogamous relationships. Personally, I have a struggle either way I think right now. But, it is not my place to judge other Christians. I cannot order their lives and convictions for them. I have to leave all of that to the individual and to the God that has redeemed them. I will not even attempt to begin to start to do the work of the Holy Spirit. NO WAY, NO HOW! I'm not interested in debating this one way or the other. I'm interested in being led by God when the matter affects me and those I love personally.

But I do know this, Christ left us with two commandments: love and serve God above all else, and love others as yourself. There is no clobbering in God's love, only discipline to guide us back to His way.

Below is a link to a book I found particularly helpful. This does not indicate my complete and utter approval of every word, but this author's story blessed my heart and God used it in my study.

Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate 

God has burdened my heart to help those struggling. I didn't ask for this, but I gladly give my service to Him who redeemed me! Pray for me. Pray for the my ministry. If you need help, please email or message me. If you want to debate. . . leave a comment and debate the other commenters.

Serve God, Love others.

Teapotjan

Blue Teapot under a Black Cloud

Well, the last couple of weeks have proven to be . . . interesting. . . and full of life's lessons. Often, I wish I could go ahead and learn everything I need to know so the lessons would end, but I don't think that's how it works. So, ONWARD!

My last post concerning medication brought up comments from several people in my email feed, and private messaging. The comment from "anonymous" stirred up people more that I would have thought. Please know that I was not upset. That person obviously cares enough to want to help, and I welcome opinions other than my own. Isn't that how we learn and grow? We exhort, we listen, we measure against God's standards, apply as appropriate and move forward.

That said, I believe that the kind person that left the comment has never experienced the type of depression I was addressing: clinical depression. In no way do I want to attack that person. I know many folks who feel the same way, and it those people I want to address.

Here is a link to an article discussing the difference between feeling sad due to circumstances and being perpetually depressed: Is it Depression or is it the Blues?. EVERYONE gets the blues. (Hmm, that should be a song or something). An accident, a severe loss, or a bad day, along with many other things can bring about a case of the blues. However, most people bounce back with the passage of time. The blues can lead to the type of depression the commenter was addressing, especially if we turn from God during difficult times, but it is not clinical depression. Even then, I don't think just putting on a smile, and acting happy will solve the entire issue, though it can help. Maybe today's society should not toss medication at everyone in a funk so quickly. I do see fault in that. If someone is bogged down with a case of the blues, and it hinders their service to God, they should get counseling from a reliable, biblically-based source. Medication can not fix a spiritual problem, but many use it as an excuse for sin. Satan will use any weakness to hinder us, and he won't hesitate to attack when we are down. In these cases, we must examine our attitude, and heart for God.

But there are millions that experience true, can't-get-it-to-stay-away, clinical depression. A blood test (and recently it has been discovered,a CAT scan of the brain) can confirm that an individual's depression is a physical condition needing medical treatment. I confess, that as I sit here and write these words, I am dealing with that black cloud hovering over my head. I sit here knowing that God is in control, knowing that He loves me, actively engaged in intercessory prayer for a few particular individuals, praising God for His creation, and pondering Scriptures recently read. But, I feel depressed, with a small side of hopelessness. However, since I know that I suffer from a medical condition, I can ignore the cloud while acknowledging its existence, and continue to serve God. 

My youngest suffers from a chronic nerve disorder that causes constant and often severe pain in one of her legs. If you see her, you will see no signs of trauma, and she doesn't appear to be in pain most of the time. She takes medication to help control the pain, but it is never truly gone. We have been to several doctors, and she has gone through many treatments. During that time she learned what medical condition caused the pain, and is now able to mostly ignore it while still having to acknowledge that it's there. Sound familiar? She could give in to the pain and let it run her life, but God allowed us to find doctors and medicines that could help her. She looks to Him for help, and she is a sweet, and faithful Christian. I am very proud of her. But her pain still persists. If we had not sought help and treatment, I think she would now be completely crippled from the pain.

Everyone feels sad or depressed from time to time. It's a natural response to adverse circumstances. During those times, we must look to God for grace realizing He controls all things. 

Other folks suffer from a medical condition known as "clinical depression." My hopes and goals in all of this?

1. To help those folks realize that they need assistance, and to encourage them to seek it without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. Once they know why it's there, they can learn to acknowledge and ignore their hovering dark cloud and carry on with life. 
2. To help others, like the commenter, to realize that not all depression is     equal. Believe me, telling a clinically depressed person to smile and act     happy is like telling someone with undiagnosed pain to "walk it off." The statement is well-intentioned, but it will cause more harm than good.
3. To use my experiences with my own depression to uplift others and point   them to the Great Healer. He allowed me to suffer with this condition in     order for me to honor Him with the lessons I've learned. I want to do that with all my heart.

No more guilt folks, only repentance. Those who fully understand His grace and love desire to serve and honor Him. He knew us from the edge of time, and He provides a way through the darkest of clouds, and the deepest of blues.

Happy Depression Sufferer, medicated, and still serving Him!
Teapotjan

Teapot's Shared Tempest. I'm not the only one.

Recently a friend posted a link to a blog entry that resounded deeply with me. Today, I share that link with you and add my own thoughts concerning the continuing process of moving from guilt to grace. Click here to see the article without my inserted comments.

               15 things not to say to a recovering fundamentalist

Posted on September 11, 2013 by forgedimagination

There have been plenty of things I’ve heard since I started talking about Christian fundamentalism, and most of them make me want to tear my hair out. So, I put out a general call for some of the gems you have heard, and here’s a few that I got back.

          1. “You just need to work through your bitterness.”– Teryn

Bitterness. It’s a good idea to pretty much never use that word in particular. Bitterness, in fundie-speak, is a tool to silence anyone who is being critical. If you’re accused of “bitterness,” it means that you are incapable of viewing any situation or person “correctly,” that you lack the capacity for love and grace, and what you actually need to work on is yourself. You’re imagining things, nothing bad is happening, and you have a screw loose. This is actually a form of gaslighting– convincing the person who’s being attacked that they’re just crazy– and we’ve been beaten over the head with it for years. Just because we’re saying things about the Church that aren’t pleasant doesn’t make us bitter. Just because we sound angry doesn’t mean we’re bitter.

I did suffer from bitterness for a while. It still crops up from time to time. But it is no longer the driving force behind my desire for change in the church. I was hurt, and when people I trusted questioned me, I doubted my self. But after reading God's Word for myself, and praying, I knew I was NOT crazy, and that the bitterness was fading.

          2. “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.” – Lydia

There are a lot of variations on this one, but it all boils down to this idea that Christianity is fine, it’s really just our personal experiences that we have to get over. And, I get why this one comes up a lot. For Christians who haven’t experienced either a) fundamentalism or b) spiritual abuse, their religion is one of the best, most wonderful, spectacular things in their life and they couldn’t imagine living without it. For us, though? It’s not even remotely the same feeling. When Christianity has been the weapon used to beat you, sometimes, throwing the whole thing out is the only healthy thing left to do.

When the very people that told you to "do right until the stars fall" do wrong, and you are left with confusion and hurt. It's time for a change. You have to move away from what people did, and look to God. Otherwise, you may lose your faith entirely. Seriously, I can give names of many who have.

         3. “You were never really a Christian.” — Libby Anne

It’s the teachings of “eternal security” and “by their fruits you shall know them” taken one step too far. And, frankly, it’s codswallop. By any measure, people who grew up in Christian fundamentalism, prayed the sinner’s prayer, loved God, loved Jesus . . . they were Christians any way you look at it. Just because they’re not Christians now has absolutely zero bearing on if they were Christians then. The same thing goes if they don’t fit your particular criteria for what you think a “Christian” is.

I find this one infuriating. I am secure in my faith. More now than ever, because it is not based on man's teachings, but on my personal relationship with Christ and His Grace. Seriously, people who think all Christians worship and serve Christ the same have never considered their brothers and sisters in other lands, and in other denominations. 

          4. “If you’re not currently attending a church, you have walked away from God.” — KR Taylor

People usually come to me armed with Hebrews 10:25 — “forsake not the assembling of yourselves together,” which is really just code for “real Christians go to church.” Which, seriously, asking some of us to go back to church is like asking a soldier with severe PTSD to go back to the battlefield, or asking a battered wife to go back to her abusive husband. You’re telling us that the only way we can be a “True Christian” is if we go to a building where all the other “True Christians” are once a week, and aside from sounding ridiculous, it’s inconsiderate and displays an astounding lack of compassion. If you’re telling someone who you know has been spiritually abused to get their ass back in church, all it means is that you haven’t been actually listening to us. If you were listening, you’d know exactly how hurtful and dismissive you sound.

This is the one I have heard the most. I cannot count the times I've walked into church in the last two years and encountered complete heebie jeebies. There were good, sweet people there with precious souls, and loving hearts, but the atmosphere and the music and the sent me to bad times. I'm not saying I will never go to church again. But it will still be a while longer. Don't worry. I have not left the faith. I truly love God. I have accountability with other believers. And I would appreciate your prayers for guidance, but not so much your invitations. We're still good in grace though-right?

          5. “You need to work this out with trembling and fear.” — Dani

Also known as, “Are you sure you want to be asking these questions?” Questions, in many arenas of Christianity, make a lot of us uncomfortable. The unfortunate thing that I’ve encountered the most is that I grew up understanding more about the God of the Old Testament than a lot of “typical” Christians I’ve encountered since getting outside of fundamentalism. Questions like “is God really a genocidal megalomaniac?” or “How is it fair or loving to hold millions of people accountable for something they’ve never heard of?” are legitimate, but they’re also not easy. As fundamentalists, we tend to be intimately familiar with an angry, jealous, righteous God, and trying to figure out how that’s the same Person that is also supposed to be Love is hard. Beyond hard, at times. It’s downright impossible for many of us.

This one may affect you more than me. I'm a bit of an egghead, and I enjoy asking questions about almost anything. But, because I look to God for the ultimate answers, this is not that hard for me. He is God. He can do what He wants. He knows the big plan. He is absolutely fair, and perfect and powerful. That's not to say this issue won't creep up in my future, but for now, I'm good.

          6. “I wish people just knew that if they remembered how good Jesus’ love for us is, these things wouldn’t seem so hard!” — Hännah

This one feels . . . empty. I’m super happy for all those people who have had amazing experiences with Jesus in their religion, but how good God or Jesus is doesn’t really change the fact that a lot of people’s lives are hell holes or that a lot of people who claim Jesus’ name have done some heinously evil things. And telling us just to ignore our “hardships” because “Jesus loves you!” is basically meaningless. It’s like splashing orange juice on a bullet wound. Sure, orange juice is awesome, and Vitamin C is good for you, but it’s not going to do anything to help.

Jesus is goodness. Humans are fallen. We live in a fallen Creation. There are spiritual battles all around us, some seen, some not seen. It is NOT fun to suffer. I will NOT praise God for the pain. I WILL praise Him for the Grace He provides and the lessons I learn during trials. I will use those lessons to point others to Him. And I will tell them that they do not have to be happy about their hardships, but they that can be happy that this is not all that we have.

          7. “Why do you have to criticize the Church? Do you hate Christians?” — Boze

Probably more than a lot of these, this one makes me want to tear my hair out and beat my head against the wall. I think this is another example of the Christian persecution complex gone crazy.  There’s this perception that Christianity is under constant, brutal attack on all fronts, and it’s a battle we’re all gloriously and nobly fighting, but it’s going to overwhelm us at some point and then everything will be terrible. This results in any form of criticism whatsoever being perceived as an “attack.” If what we have to say about the Church isn’t all happy-happy-joy-joy, then we should just stay quiet because we’re just making Christianity look bad. To ex-fundamentalists, this is a line we’re more than familiar with. Defending the reputation of the organization at the cost of actual people is a line we know by heart.

Argh, and double argh. God is perfect. The Church is not. If we can't observe, and "criticize" then what is the use of these thinking, speculative minds God blessed us with and wants us to use? I think God can take care of His own reputation.

          8. Quoting Jeremiah 29:11. Or Romans 8:28. Or pretty much any hand-picked verse about God working everything out. — Abi

Proof-texting. If there’s one thing that a lot of Christians, but fundamentalists in particular, are exceedingly good at, it’s this. Most of the pastors and preachers I’ve heard are the Kings of Taking Verses out of Context and Making it Sound Good. First of all, using verses like Jeremiah 29:11 (“I know the plans I have for you”) is bad hermeneutics.  Also, throwing single verses at us isn’t very helpful, and is really just frustrating. When Bible verses enter the conversation like this, it usually means that whoever we’re talking to is done listening, and they’ve decided the most helpful thing they can do is use a trite cliché we’ve heard exactly 164,455,795 times before.

I prefer hearing, "I know these things are hard. Aren't you glad God is in charge, and not us?"

          9. “You’re hurting the church. We need unity, not division.”

If I had a nickle.

It’s related to the “do you hate Christians?” comment, but this one is specifically an order to shut up and color. Criticisms of Christianity are not sowing division, just to be clear. There are all kinds of things that sow division– like telling the people in Moore, OK that they should be grateful that God deigned to destroy their homes, or covering up child molestation by pastors in your churches for over 30 years– but standing up for the broken isn’t one of them.

As if their very words aren't sowing division among Christians.. . .Sigh.

          10. “I’m a/my church is fundamentalist, and I’m/we’re not anything like what you’re describing.”

I run into this sentiment a lot. In fact, when I put out my request for this on twitter, one of the people who responded said “I’m a fundamentalist. Please don’t throw stones.” Which, was just . . . ironically funny, but also made me sigh. I use the words fundamentalist and fundamentalism to talk about a specific Christian movement, and I use the accepted term to describe it. I know a lot of people who claim the label “fundamentalist”– in fact, one of my best and dearest friends does– who don’t actually fit. There is a difference between traditionalism, religious conservatism, and adhering to “fundamentals,” which is really just Protestant orthodoxy, and fundamentalism. I’m using the term as it is modernly defined.

However, there are a lot of people who are fundamentalist and fit exactly what I’m describing, and still say this. Which, just . . . boggles.

Boggled here as well. 

          11. “If you are truly seeking God in this time, he will lead you to the Truth.” — Trischa

And if I’m led to believing in universalism? Or atheism? Or neo-paganism? Somehow, I don’t think they’ll believe me, because “Truth” usually means “whatever I think the Bible says.” The catch in this statement is “If you are truly seeking.” And they get to determine what “truly seeking” entails. If I don’t eventually end up agreeing with them, welp, I must not have been truly seeking!

This is just stupid-sorry. It's like non-christians claiming that sincerity will get you to Heaven. Lots of people are "truly seeking." 

          12. “Fundamentalism isn’t really Christianity.”

Oh, boy. I get this one so much, and I’m never entirely sure how to respond to it, because damn. What do they think Christianity is then? It’s a pretty big religion, and it’s got an awful lot of denominations. If believing that Jesus is God, literally came to earth, was crucified and resurrected and now sits on the right hand of the father, and he did all of this to save us from our sins doesn’t qualify you for Christianity, I’d like to see what does. Fundamentalism is an especially pernicious sub-culture in Christianity, but it’s not something totally different. They believe a lot of the exact same stuff that most Christians do– which was a huge shock when I eventually figured that one out. But, they take the hard-edged stance that they’re the only true Christians. So, it’s always funny to me when a non-fundamentalist says the exact same thing a fundamentalist would say about them.

This isn't the real argument against Fundamentalism. It's the conditions that many Fundamentalists put on being a Christian.

          13. “Be careful you don’t lose your faith.” — Hännah

People are genuinely concerned about us, and just want to make sure that we’re ok. However, the concept that we could be “ok” without religion, without Christianity– it’s a little bit too far outside the box for a lot of Christians. To a lot of the people I know, living without their faith would be pretty unthinkable. Thoughts like “I don’t know how people survive without Jesus” (which is a modern remix of “you can do all things through Christ”) are pretty common among Christians– and they mean it. To be honest, I’ve said that sort of thing on more than one occasion. But, let me assure you: we are just fine. For a lot of us, “losing our faith” was the best– and hardest– thing that ever happened to us.

It can also be the scariest. When you begin to question those things you were taught were "rock-solid, Biblical fact" and learn that some of it is man's interpretation and preference, you may "lose" faith. But, if you have already accepted Christ, then the Holy Spirit will comfort and guide you, just as God's Word promises He will.

          14. “I’ll pray for you.” — Lana

And what they mean by this is “I hope God shows you exactly how wrong you are soon!” (Thanks to Angela). Also, please avoid this one. If there’s a more empty, meaningless phrase in all of Christianity, I’d like to hear it, because I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist. When someone says something like this, what most recovering fundies hear is “I don’t care about your problems, I want to exit this conversation, and please don’t even mention the fact that you’ve had a bad experience to me ever again.”

Lolololol. I guess I'd rather hear this than get a stick in the eye.

          15. “Your critiques of Christianity aren’t valid, because you’re just confusing it with your fundamentalist background.”

And, for me, this is the one that makes me want to rage-stomp. Because yes, my background was pretty bad. Yes, the church I grew up in was pretty crazy. Yes, the easiest way I have of describing my experience is by calling the whole thing a cult.

However, fundamentalism is really just a microcosm of Christianity in general. It’s not that there’s anything about fundamentalism that is super off-the-radar crazy that makes it obviously bad. All it is, really, is a concentrated version of Christianity. Think of every single thing you’ve ever run into at your completely normal, run-of-the-mill Protestant churches, and I guarantee you that you’ll find it in a fundamentalist church. They’re not different, really, they’re just intensified.Because of that, my background makes me more qualified to speak about some issues, because I have more experience with more aspects of it than your typical church-goer. I actually know what some of these teachings do when they’re consistently enforced.

Yes, I agree. When God allows one of His children to reach this place of understanding, when the blinders fall off, and we see God's people and the church for what it really is, it is HARD!!!!!!! And we are often tempted to ooze back into the easy, soft world of complacency and compliance. But, as I have said before, I cannot. God brought me here. He gave me this understanding. I will praise Him from my home, my car, the beach, the stores, at work, at play, because I see Him for the wonderful, awesome, Gracious God that He is. I don't need bumper stickers, certain clothes, hairstyles or a denomination to show that I love God. The very air I breath is His gift, and I will use it to tell others about Him!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And . . . that wraps it up for me. What about you? What are some things you’ve heard that just make you go crazy?

I ask, along with this article's author, do you have any thoughts to share? I'll take it from both sides.

Still on the journey,

Teapotjan

Drinking the Last Cup of Tea

A friend's adult son committed suicide yesterday, on Mother's Day. He possessed great musical talent, and sang with his family for decades on numerous cd's and radio broadcasts. My children knew his siblings and we listened to their tapes in the car on the way to and from school. Thousands of children and their parents listened to his family's music. His family has  impacted many and their testimony for the Lord shows them as faithful servants. We didn't agree on every point of Scripture, but our core beliefs are the same, and I always appreciated their ministry.

Now many will look to them again to see how they react in this worst of times. Will they declare that God has forsaken them? Will they be crippled with guilt and despair? Will they blame themselves and review everything nuance of their life with him? How can they get past the fact that their adult son turned his back on life and jumped into the arms of death? And I believe I know the answer to all of these.

In my tradition of transparency, I will admit that I have considered suicide a few times in my life. During one of those times, it didn't seem a selfish act. I felt that those around me would be less burdened without me, that somehow my death would solve several problems for several people, and that it would be my final gift to them. Another time, my thought process was completely selfish. I felt that everyone around me took me for granted, and that I could leave them behind to suffer, and I would go on to my reward in Heaven. So there.

None of those times did I come to the point of forming a complete plan, just a few random thoughts about what was at hand to complete the deed. By God's grace, each time that's where the process ended, and I can pull from my experience to help others. It is not where things end for some. 

Anytime I hear of a suicide, especially that of a Christian, my heart breaks for what they must have been suffering to lead them to that point. My thoughts and prayers go immediately to the family and friends of the victim. I lift them before the Lord and ask for peace and strength and wisdom for them. Some treat suicide and suicide attempts like a disease or stigma, and not like the cry for help that it is. That stigma and shame can cripple someone trying to recover from an attempt, or cause further damage to a family already frail from grief.

That leads me back to the questions about my friend's family. They have already made a statement that they are looking to God for help and grace. Since they are human, they will feel guilt and despair, but God will provide the grace they are praying for. They will certainly review what they could have done differently, they can't help it. But again, God gives grace and strength to handle the trials He allows. And they will be able to carry on because he testified to being a Christian, so they have the hope of seeing him again, and they know that he is now safe from the troubles and demons that plagued him.

Some may ask if a person who commits suicide can go to Heaven. Yes, they can. There is only one way to stay out of Heaven, and that is by rejecting Christ's gift of salvation. I have found no other "sin unto death." 

Suicide tragically ends a life. Whatever the reason, all suicide attempts involve a person with no hope and no joy. Speaking to Christians, if you have suicidal thoughts, please get past the stigma of shame and guilt and ask for help. If you suspect someone around you is considering suicide, tell someone that can help and begin to fervently pray. If you know a family rocked by the suicide of one of its members, pray for them and support them. Don't avoid them, but let them know that you care. Don't let the false stigma of suicide drive you away from them at a time when they need friends the most. And don't let that false, man-induced stigma keep you from getting help if you need it.