Teapot's Long Walk

At the end of my last post, Satan had delivered his one-two punch of guilt and self doubt. I was leaving a job I had truly loved, and a place that I had thought rested on the pinnacle of the Christian faith, and I was walking toward my van to leave both forever. And everything was black. Everything. My faith in man and God was gone, and I did not want to move forward.

I resigned of my own choice. But that decision was based on how the administration of my department had treated me as a woman, and co-worker, as well as the lack of support from the school administration. I had fought, since my husband had left the school two years before, to receive the same benefits as my male co-workers. After a long year of paying tuition for the only child enrolled at that time, and a struggle to work until five and throughout the summer without the benefit of paid child care, my struggles seem to pay off, and I was granted back tuition and child care. I was exceptionally happy, and I felt validated. The news came while my family was on vacation in South Dakota, and I actually looked forward to the end of vacation and my return to work.

Someone posted the other day on Facebook saying that if you can tell your story without crying, then you are healed. But, even four years later, I still can't talk or write about this without shedding a least a few tears. 

When I returned to work after vacation, things became much worse. I had a staff co-worker lie directly to my face, and then deny it. I overheard comments and implications about how I, along with one or two other department employees needed to be forced out because we demanded too much training for our student workers. And I found that many of the female students did not want to deal with that same co-worker because of the questionable things he said to them. Scheduling changes in training were made and I was not informed, along with many other actions and talks that I now realize were harassment. At one staff meeting, I made the statement that if I were a man, I would be more respected. One co-worker said to me under his

breath "You know, there's an operation for that."I did report it, and I was brushed aside. Yet I still heard in chapel, and in faculty staff meetings that all these kinds of decisions were made by godly men, making prayerful, godly choices. And I kept trying.

But day after day, I returned home from work, crying, stressed and sick. Rumors about me and my family flew around the school, and made their way to my church. It wasn't that I was worried about the rumors because that's just what they were. But it was those who heard them, knew they weren't true and did nothing. At all. In fact, the main rumormonger was promoted above to "keep him away from the students as you requested." As the school year passed, I knew I had to leave for my own health, and for my family.

That long walk was only a hundred feet or so, but by the time I reached the driver's side door, I had determined that God must be watching from very far away, if indeed He existed, and that I had been an idiot to trust that He would bother with me.

So, here I am again-at that van. The walk is over, but the next few months were very dark. Again, I say that if God had not watched over me, and lead me even in my blindness toward Him, I would not be here to write these words.

Next, I'll finish the details of those darkest months, and share how God in His wisdom and grace delivered me.

God is Good,

Teapotjan

The Teapot Has Left the Bubble! A Look Back

Way back at the start of spring before weddings, and graduations, and broken air conditioners, and cars that wouldn't start, and a few weeks with a sweet friend with Alzheimer's, and the loss of a beloved aunt, I wrote a blog about how some happenings had triggered a return of an old enemy: bitterness.

All the things in that list, along with a few recent ponderings brought that post back to mind, along with that same old feeling, along with its more malicious buddies, guilt and self-doubt. I think these three emotions are some of Satan's most malicious weapons in the lives of Christians.

If you know me, or have read any of my posts, you know that I have physically stepped away from the IFB (Independent Fundamental Baptist) movement and all of the churches, speakers, and groups similar to or related to them. In fact, four years ago on August 27th, 2011, I walked out of the entrance building on the campus of Bob Jones University, leaving behind a job of 11 years, and a lifetime of IFB mentality. The Bubble surrounding the university and all of its satellite churches, had popped for me, and the regular world loomed before me. And, as I walked to my vehicle, my faith in God dropped out from under me.

I was scared. I was angry. I felt betrayed, abused, used, stupid, and very, very alone. And that's where I left that post long ago back in April.If God had not smothered me in His grace, I'm not entirely sure I'd be alive to write this post. That was not a good state for someone who already battled clinical depression.
The problem was, and still is at times, that much of what I had been taught all my life had been man's opinion of God's Word. I had based my life choices on these teachings. I worked at being the "ideal Christian" daughter, teen, college student, wife, school teacher, and mom. When I failed, as I often did, the guilt could be overwhelming. It seemed incredibly difficult to be what God wanted me to be-futile really. But, I was assured Sunday after Sunday that this was the way a Christian's life should be spent: in a desperate struggle to attain Christlikeness. Cue the song "I've Got the Joy-Joy-Joy-Joy Down in My Heart" in a minor key.

Oh the guilt, the wretched, wretched guilt. Not repentance. Just a hopeless feeling of guilt of not being good enough. Of failing yet again. Paying for a moment of what I thought was guilty pleasure with far more guilt than pleasure. 

On the way home today, I had a flash back when Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs" came floating out of my van speakers. I instinctively reached out to change the station because that song had been "uncheckable" since 1975 until about 2011 for me. I laughed, and then listened to this "evil" song that had I listened to only when my parents, pastor, and teachers would not know of my grave indiscretion. Some of you may think I'm exaggerating, but those who grew up as I did know that I truly am not.

And then? As I continued to listen to the innocuous, but "uncheckable" lyrics, I became bitter. Just for a moment. But there it was. Flashes of the lecture on the evils of rock and pop music ran through my mind. Good grief! What a religion to cause good-hearted, God-loving people to feel guilty over listening to anything

secular besides very old songs,opera and classical music! How does that help the cause of the Gospel?

The answer is that it does not. If Satan can use guilt to cripple one of God's children to the point of hopelessness, then he has scored a victory. A hopeless, guilty Christian will never be as effective in God's service as a Christian who has embraced the full knowledge of God's grace. And after enough years of guilt, and failure? Cue the self-doubt.

I remember thinking as a young mother that I failed my children everyday that they didn't go over their verses for Awana, or when I was just too tired to get to church on my own. (My husband's schedule has always been difficult, so I was often a "single" mom through no fault of his). I also remember, the passive-aggressive suggestions from leaders in the church and their wives that I surely could do better in my attendance, all the while never offering to help or making one phone call for encouragement. Hmmmm. That's another blog post right there.
I wallowed in self-doubt. I asked for help, and I was told to "believe and pray." I already was. But, I thought I must be doing that wrong, too. Yay! Guilt AND self-doubt. Satan delivered his one-two punch, and I was down for the count.

This is getting long, but up next, is that walk to my van.   

Prayers and blessings,

Teapotjan

Southern Teapot- Recent FB post

As most of you know, I am deeply proud of my Southern heritage. The words "y'all" and "yonder" are as sweet to my ears as the tea I drink is to my tongue. I fiercely support my local BBQ place as the best. And I can cook a pot of grits, buttermilk biscuits, and a pan of cornbread with my eyes closed.

My family on both sides has been here since the late 1600's. And many of them fought in the Revolutionary War, and then their prodigy fought for the Confederacy. A few of them owned slaves. Others fought in the war to preserve their way of life, and maintain state's rights. But most were the product of their time, I'm sure, and they viewed black slavery as a good use for an "lesser, and ignorant race of human."

The South was, and is still strong. We will not lose that strength by "giving in to the liberals" that want the Confederate flag removed from the state house grounds. We will gain strength by uniting with those that are not just offended, but hurt by the sight of it. Their family stories still echo with the sounds of a whip, and the cry of their great grandparents. Their picture albums contain scenes of a relative hanging by the neck from a tree. How many of us white Southern folks have the emotions those memories evoke each time we see the Rebel flag?

No, we can't give in to everyone's offenses. We will cave as a society. Maybe that is coming. Maybe this is a precedent. But, I'm not will to support anything that hurts my fellow Americans as much as the Confederate Flag's presence on SC State House grounds hurts so many. It's time to take it down, and put it in a museum as a dark reminder of a dark practice. 

The South is strong, but we used our strength to hurt. We shouldn't forget that, so do not banish that flag to obscurity. Put it on display in museums. Teach our children about it and speak of it as symbol of what misplaced loyalties and misused strength can do. Show all of our children, black and white and all other shades, that respect of all human life is part of God's commandment: Love one another.

 Love y'all! Teapot

The Tempestuous Times of Teapot's Tempest

Apologies to my readers, and myself for waiting so long to post. I need this outlet, but I've let the tempest overtake me for awhile. I think I owe you all a quick update.

I started on my Masters degree last fall. Two classes down, and eleven more to go! I am waiting to sign up for the last class of this session to take my third class because my oldest daughter is getting married in May right after Memorial Day. We are putting this extravaganza together in about three months time in order to accommodate a dear friend and adopted family member who will be deployed soon. His presence is a must, so we are happily pressed for time. It will be a delight to include him in our family celebration!

In addition to this wedding, another very close friend, who is like my sister, has a son getting married in July. I'm helping coordinate that celebration and the push for that one is on as well! Oh, and my youngest finishes high school in a few weeks with all the parties, and hoopla that entails. I guess I'm a teapot IN a tempest.

All of this, along with job and family, leaves little time for blogging. But, at times, my heart overflows and I feel I must get back to sharing what I'm learning on this journey from guilt to grace. It's not easy, and I trip, and back track, and fail, but the goal is still the same: to serve God and love others.

My return, though late, has to do with something that has been around for a while. Frankly, I thought this matter had been put to rest. But more and more of late, it creeps its ugly way back into my mind as a tool of Satan I'm sure. Here I sit on my computer, a fifty-three year old mother of three, saved since I was five, and I have to fight doubt about my faith. No, I can't believe it either, but there it is. This isn't a question of my salvation. It's much bigger than that. 

When I first felt that I must leave my job at a certain Christian University, I had already begun to question why I believed what I did. As that situation grew worse, and my heroes fell from their high places, I began to doubt. Big Time. Call it cynicism if you will, but I began to examine their teachings, and all the things that I had been taught as absolute truth and doctrine since I was born, literally. And in that examination I found many, many, many problems. Much of my fundamentalist training was based on OPINION! Not fact, not even interpretation, but some man's so-called "blessed" of the Holy Spirit; Bible-thumping; say-it-louder-until-these-idiot-sinners-understand; can-I-get-an -amen? brow-wiping OPINION that came to them while driving down the road in their Lincoln town car on the way to another meeting. 

Most of us who have left fundamentalism have been labeled as "bitter." And,in all honesty, I have to say I have struggled with it, especially at the start. I looked back at all the guilt I had endured. All the culottes I had sewed and worn, along with the lace my mom sewed on the bottom of a dress to make it "long enough." I thought about the hoops we had to jump through to be "good" Christians, and all the hell-fire-and-brimstone messages I had heard, and I got bitter. Still do, sometimes.

I grew up thinking that Hell was the reason we were to be good. And we should put up every stop sign and blockade necessary to keep people from following the wrong road to Hell. The emphasis was Hell, and eternal damnation. And so many of us were saved, not into God's grace, but from Hell, and we had to live our lives in an exact way to prove it. It was considered loving to buttonhole a person and tell them they were "Going straight to Hell" unless they repented.
     
It was at this point, that my faith went out from underneath me. I don't think those around me realized how bleak it was for me. They believed my tears

and upset caused by the loss of a job I had loved, and a way of life I had dreamed about since youth. That was part of it. But, much deeper, it was the loss of my belief that God was in control, and that Godly men had prayed and done His will in all these things. They had not. They couldn't have. A lot of what they had said were virtually lies. They were pompous, egotistical MEN who forced their way into congregations, denominations, and Christian universities. It all became a sham to me. I've studied communications and psychology a long time, and I recognized the spin they had put on their sermons, and rules, and all of their . . . . . um, manure. And, believe me, I was bitter.

In my next post, I'll deal with what had recently brought some of this bitterness back, and how God is helping me to get past it. Here's a news flash: God is AWESOME, ETERNAL, FAIR, AND LOVING. He did not leave me in this dark time. I'll share more next time.

Serve God. Love others!
Teapotjan.

Teapot's Theory about Hell

I seemed to have caused quite a stir when I mentioned I had come up with a personal theory concerning eternal punishment for those who do not accept Christ. This is truly just a personal study. I didn't get this from anyone. It isn't a revelation that came in a dream. It's just my study, and my thinking about what I have gleaned from my reading. With that said, I had a few readers ask me, with good reason, if I still believed in a literal Hell. 

To start off, yes I do. I'm including a sampling of verses from my study. It's not all inclusive by any means. All quoted verses are from the English Standard Version.The Scripture is clear that there is a place of punishment for those who do not accept God's gift of eternal life. One of the most obvious references is in the story of Lazarus in Luke 16: 23: "And in Hades, being in torment, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham far off and Lazarus at his side." Matthew 13: 41-42 states: "The Son of Man will send his angels, and they will gather out of his kingdom all causes of sin and all law-breakers, and throw them into the fiery furnace. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." That's very clear. No change in translation or context for these verses, they say what they say.

One of the counter verses that comes up is I Thessalonians 1:9: "They will suffer the punishment of eternal destruction, away from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his might." I see the words "eternal destruction, I do. But from other studies of God's grace and love, it was hard for me, personally, to believe that God would make any of His creation suffer for eternity. I am imperfect and petty, but my human thought process could see no reason for eternal suffering for anything or any being. And as I continued my search, I saw a pattern emerge.

It was the words "away from the presence of the Lord" that caught my attention. To be without the light of His love, and have the mantle of his Grace yanked away seems a terrible thing to me. So I reviewed verses concerning the fate of Satan and his followers. And the pattern that emerged was one of opposites.

Matthew 10:28 "And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell."

Psalm 145:20 "The Lord preserves all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy."

John 3:16“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."

Finally, the wording from the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah in Jude 1:7 "Just as Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding cities, which likewise indulged in sexual immorality and pursued unnatural desire, serve as an example by undergoing a punishment of eternal fire." Sodom and Gomorrah no longer exists. Those cities are gone. But, the description says "eternal fire." As far as my limited knowledge of Greek and Hebrew takes me, the term "eternal fire" does not change from verse to verse.

In looking at this contrast, I see that eternal LIFE is the opposite of eternal DEATH. The verses concerning eternal damnation and eternal suffering all seem to me to show that the final end of Satan and his followers is annihilation when they are cast into the lake of fire mentioned in the book of Revelation. They will be destroyed. Gone. Cease to exist. Making their efforts until that point useless and empty. What a terrible thing to realize that everything you have ever done resulted in nothing, and you will not be remembered. You will be gone.

This theory hasn't changed my drive to serve God or to share the Gospel with others, and it should not change yours. No matter if I'm right or wrong, I know one thing for sure. Our God is just, holy, omniscient, immutable, and omnipotent and He will do what is right. Period.

Serve God,

Love Others!

Teapotjan