Abuse and a Friend

First, I have been pondering many issues, and knew that I had much to share. That's what brought me back to my blog. So many people hurt. They feel alone. They are intimidated by big scholarly books, and they need down to earth advice and help. That is why I answered the Teapot's whistle. It is my ministry, and part of my calling. It scares and humbles me that people actually read my words, so I pray for wisdom. I share in order to serve God and love others, and I do not want to bring reproach to my Lord. I welcome your prayers, suggestions, and questions.

A while back I wrote a blog called Better Than I Deserve. After some thinking about that phrase, common in many Christian groups, I came to the conclusion that this response might not be particularly accurate. But let me say that I understand what the person stating it means, and I find no fault in anyone who uses it. 

This issue came up again when a dear, dear friend asked me if I thought it was okay escape an abusive relationship. Case in point: if a close friend/partner continually ignores and emotionally abuses you, failing to respond to requests for counsel or help, should you break completely and permanently away though it causes them great, and damaging emotional pain? Would God be okay with that? Is it okay to seek happiness after the break? Should you feel overwhelmingly guilty? 

With my big "F" Fundamentalist background along with my people-pleasing personality, my answer a few years ago would have been a resounding "NO!" I would have counseled the hurt party to pray for patience, and stick it out in the name of putting someone else first. After all, we are taught to always put others first. But, it struck me wrong that God would want one of His children to suffer at the hand of another.

I have searched for verses that apply to abusive relationships. What I have found is that most of them refer to how or how not the relationship reflects Christ's love for the Church. In fact, Jeremiah 3:8 speaks of how God "divorced" Israel because they had broken the covenant or vow He had with them. It's there, go read it if you don't believe me. A broken vow can be repaired, but if the one who broke it refuses the repair, then the vow no longer stands. It's an easy choice for many when adultery or physical abuse breaks the vow. But verbal abuse seems an unlikely reason to divorce or break a partnership to anyone who never experienced it. Those who have suffered from emotional abuse know better. But that's another blog entry.

Suffice it to say, that emotional abuse leaves scars and open wounds that often never heal. PTSD comes not so much from the physical abuse a victim suffers, but rather, the emotional harm and devaluation of their humanity the abuse caused. So abuse of any kind lingers with the victim emotionally long after the incident passes. 

I hate reading long posts, so I will stop with this: There is NO VERSE or teaching in the Bible that says a person must stay in an abusive relationship. Next, we'll talk about the aftermath of the break.

Praying for wisdom, grace, and peace.
Teapotjan

That's Not Natural-The Torn Teapot, Part three

But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.

Isaiah 43:1

At the end of the last post I shared that I had found a second, close friend had struggled with homosexuality their whole life. That realization along with the implications of the life they had lived in the decades I knew them washed over me in waves of fear, and pity, and doubt. The younger friend? I had seen that coming. This older, long-time friend--I hadn't guessed. But even while tears poured down my cheeks, and sleep eluded me, I knew these two people were devout Christians. I knew they were my true friends, and I knew that I loved them both deeply.

"Through thick and thin, that's me and my friend. 

No matter what. No matter where. No matter."

I requested that my family leave me to myself for a couple of days so that I could pray,read, and research. I found it difficult to sleep. I was consumed with the desire to understand how God wanted me to handle this. I read and reread all the so-called "clobber" verses that so many point to with this issue. And I had no answers. "I'm not gay!" "Why do I have to worry about this?" "Why did God do this and allow that?" "Why can't they just change?" and on and on the questions rose from my heart and soul and I threw them at God like an angry child. And God listened, loved, calmed, forgave, and taught.

Two days later, I came out of my retreat a better Christian with a greater understanding of what God had for me. Those friends had not changed from before they told me. I was the one who had changed. And my unchanging God had taught me several things, but here are the two biggest lessons.

Homosexual attraction is NOT a sin. There are no Bible verses that can be quoted or misconstrued to support the belief that it is. People can be attracted to their own gender and still be Godly, loving Christians. I won't back down on that point. There is much more to this whole matter I know. But we can build on this knowledge when dealing with those who struggle with this in their own lives, and in the lives of family members.

Next, the church must change how it deals with those Christians who struggle with homosexuality, and actually with the issue of homosexuality all together. But, in this series, I am specifically addressing my concerns toward treatment of homosexuals in the body of Christ. Isaiah 43:1, the verse at the top of this post states how God actually views ALL redeemed homosexuals, thieves, liars, murderers, and sinners in general. He didn't pick any one sin above the others and rate His love accordingly. To point out a problem to a Christian over and over and provide no help and no love leaves that Christian frustrated, depressed, bitter, and possibly suicidal. Any possible service they could have provided to the body of Christ and any testimony to His Grace could be lost. And the implications of that loss could be eternal.

Finally (not really, but at least for now), we need to provide a ministry to those dealing with homosexuality AND their families. I come from a background where any mention of this subject from a person would illicit bad jokes, teasing, and immediate shunning. I remember one instance now, where all of us self-righteous teens walked away from someone obviously struggling, clicking our tongues, rolling our eyes, and making false promises to pray. Yes, that person was gay. And that person had reached out for help. The help didn't come, but the shaming did. That person left our group of Christian friends because of the teasing. Bitterness followed, then depression. And a few years later, suicide. That person possessed great intelligence, talent, and a knowledge of God's word. But a lack of help and support extinguished any light they could have shone for Christ.

I'm sure that there are families out there who have children and siblings who have come out of the closet to them. They don't want their friends to know about their child. They are ashamed and worried. They also love their child but have no safe place to talk with anyone without fear of the same shunning. Not even a spouse or close friend. Dear soul, message me. I'll do my best to work with you and share some of my resources. And I promise ( I have references) that I will not disclose any names, numbers, or anything that you do not wish to share with others.

So, why after all of this am I the "Torn Teapot"? In the interest of being totally open, it's because I haven't figured it all out yet. I don't know if Christian homosexuals are or are not allowed to have loving, monogamous relationships. Personally, I have a struggle either way I think right now. But, it is not my place to judge other Christians. I cannot order their lives and convictions for them. I have to leave all of that to the individual and to the God that has redeemed them. I will not even attempt to begin to start to do the work of the Holy Spirit. NO WAY, NO HOW! I'm not interested in debating this one way or the other. I'm interested in being led by God when the matter affects me and those I love personally.

But I do know this, Christ left us with two commandments: love and serve God above all else, and love others as yourself. There is no clobbering in God's love, only discipline to guide us back to His way.

Below is a link to a book I found particularly helpful. This does not indicate my complete and utter approval of every word, but this author's story blessed my heart and God used it in my study.

Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate 

God has burdened my heart to help those struggling. I didn't ask for this, but I gladly give my service to Him who redeemed me! Pray for me. Pray for the my ministry. If you need help, please email or message me. If you want to debate. . . leave a comment and debate the other commenters.

Serve God, Love others.

Teapotjan

That's Not Natural -The Torn Teapot, Part one

For Ryan, and those like him

who received rejection, instead of love.

justbecausehebreathes.com.

Update, April 21, 2015: Since I wrote this, I have met Matthew Vines, and heard him speak with a loving heart, and a mindful knowledge of the Bible. Please take the time to read his testimony. Matthew Vines

The subject of this post has laid heavy on my heart and soul for the past few months. I have spent time pouring through Scripture, and devouring books, and visiting blogs, and asking questions, and praying, and praying, and praying. In spite of the fact that I will lose friends, and may be labeled with once of the worst traits in fundamentalism: compromiser, I must share my heart and burden concerning this touchy and divisive matter. I no longer live in Guilt. I have journeyed to Grace.

A while back, the patriarch of Duck Dynasty revealed his personal views concerning homosexuality. I was already embroiled in my study of this issue when that whole media brouhaha erupted, and was tempted to write this post at that point. But after prayerful consideration, I waited. This is not a response to the media storm. This is a very personal, close-to-my-heart, issue that I have been dealing with up close, and I don't want my opinion sullied by an overwrought media.

So, here goes. The biggie. My opinion based on my studies--Stay with me until the end of this series of blogs now-- Homosexuality, or as many call it, "same-sex attraction" is NOT a sin. It is no more a sin than a man being attracted to a woman, or a woman being attracted to a man. But, as with all sexual attractions, it is fraught with misconceptions, lustful attitudes, and questions not easy to answer. The human race, and in particular the modern church, hasn't figured out how to handle "normal" sexual attraction, and its aberrant avenues. No wonder we hem and haw and blame and point fingers, and shy away from those who are different from mainstream. That's natural human behavior. 

Problem is, Christians are not supposed to be "natural." We are to look at all people as precious souls created by God for His glory. But picking one sin that everyone "naturally" agrees is wrong and harping on it and resisting any hint of compromise is far easier than than looking inside ourselves and at others though Christ's eyes. That close examination takes time, and it usually reveals difficult and puzzling realities that make us uneasy and frightened. It is "natural" and easy to vilify that which we don't understand while ignoring the hurt and pain our vilification might cause to the soul behind the behavior we have labeled as sin.

No matter where they stand on this issue, Christians, and the church in general, must change their attitude toward those dealing with same sex attraction. We have too many young people with too many questions, and too much guilt, and too few answers from Godly, spiritual leaders. Suicidal thoughts and actual suicides pose a real threat to these young people. So, at this point, whether we believe homosexuality is a sin or not, we need to address those that hurt with love. I'll address this point more in another post.

In the next entry, I will share how I started on this particular section of my journey to grace. It is a personal story involving someone very close. God used his experience to lead me to my current conclusions, and to burden me for a new phase of ministry. Pray with me for wisdom. Look to Christ.Serve God and love others,

Teapotjan

No Egg Shells in My Tea or on My Path

As I was chatting with a friend this morning, he mentioned a mutual acquaintance whose preaching had always been "cold and hard." And as I thought back to many of the sermons I heard, I realized that they fit that same description-cold and hard. Preachers listing sin after sin, pitfall after pitfall, painting a picture of our Savior sitting in Heaven constantly weeping over our failure to comply with God's standard of perfection. 

I felt as if the Christian life compared to walking on eggshells trying not to break any of them. Then, when one fragile shell met its doom forward progress stopped until we had repaired or replaced that shell, all the while trying not to break the ones where we were standing. It was sooooooo hard to be a good Christian all the time. But God is gooooood and He will deliver us from the eggshel. . . I mean sins. What kind of a joyous life can we live when that is our mindset? No wonder so many Christians looked like they just smelled rotten eggs. 

Guess what? If we have accepted Christ's gift of salvation we have already been delivered from our sins. It's a done deal. So our Christian pathway isn't littered with egg shells. Yes, we do need to be careful along our way to not veer off our path and stomp on the egg shells alongside us. But, no, we do not have to carefully tiptoe along so as not to upset our Creator. He wants us to keep our eyes on Him, and we can't do that if we have to look down and watch our step all the time. He's leading us and showing us the way. It's when we are not looking at Him that we'll be making scrambled eggs on the side of the road.

Life isn't easy for anyone. Christians and non-Christians alike suffer trials, and pitfalls, and terrible things. The difference? We have a God who leads us, and when we do crush an eggshell, He replaces for us as soon as we ask. 

I've come to the conclusion that the Christian life isn't a struggle. It's regular life that's a struggle. He told us that His burden is easy. So no more acting like walking on eggshells for me. I'll trust His guidance, and let His voice tell me when I have wandered off the path He has laid for my feet.

Skipping down the path!
Teapotjan

The Compromised Teapot

Okay, today I have two entries. Don't get used to it. 

Many things have changed for me on this journey from guilt to grace. A few decades ago I would have called the person I've become thus far in the journey a "compromiser." Maybe some of you would still call me that. It's okay with me. Pray for me whether you think I am wrong or not. Just don't turn away when you see me or look over my head or past me like I don't exist. I'm still me and I love the Lord more than ever before. Surely, we can still fellowship and share our love for Him. At least I'm willing. . .

Oh, the big "C" word. I heard it multitudes of times from,  my pastors, my teachers, my parents, my fellow believers. Those who did not dress, eat, attend church, worship, sing, wear their hair, or clothing the same or more conservatively that we did were all labeled with it. Really, back in those days I equated their compromise with a lack of salvation or at the very least a lack of understanding the Scripture.

I am cringing again at the memory of how I felt. But it did get me to thinking. What composes actual compromise? After searching for several minutes, the only Biblical way to use the word "compromise" in a negative sense was to use it as a term meaning "give into temptation and sin". . . . Please note that this does not include wearing a nice tee shirt instead of a shirt and tie, among other things. 

So what is sin? I don't think there are big, hidden mysteries involving sin. God is loving and just. Why would He murk up the list of things we aren't supposed to do? 

Many look to the Ten Commandments. As paraphrased by yours truly living in grace, here is how they go: 

1. There is no other God. Only the One of the Bible. Don't put any other thing, god, desire, person, etc. above Him. Period. 
2. Don't bow down in worship before ideas, inanimate objects, statues, idols. Bow down only to the only God from the first commandment.
3. Don't speak of or use God lightly. He is not a joke. He is not a curse. He is the Creator and the Only God. To disrespect Him shows contempt.
4. God blesses rest. Many folks believe this is a commandment involving not eating out on Sunday or not doing lawn work, etc. From my studies and research, I see this as a call to take care of your health, and to set time aside for personal communion with God every day, not just one. Remember, I'm living in grace, not under the Old Testament.
5. Honor your parents. What if they are scumbags? Pray for them. Honor their position as those who gave you life. They are not perfect, and honoring them does not mean allowing them to abuse you.
6. Don't commit murder. I think we understand that one.
7. Stay away from immoral sexual acts. Sex is for marriage, and for pleasure within marriage. Not for any other relationship. 
8. Don't steal. Okay, that's another one we probably understand.
9. Don't lie about your neighbor, your kids, your. . . Don't lie. Tell the truth.
10. Don't envy other people and what they have. That's putting yourself above others.

And then there are the two commandments Jesus used in the New Testament to sum up all of the above commandments. Love God with all your heart above everything else, and love your neighbor as you love yourself.   

Forgive me. I know I have sinned. I know I will again. But I don't see any of the things I use to think involved compromise listed here. I don't see them listed in the original non-paraphrased version either. It is fine to have standards. But as soon as those standards become symbols of "proper" spirituality, they become idols and dilute the love we have for others
and for God. Judging other's spirituality or salvation by man-made standards brings about division, discouragement, wrongful pride, and deception. In today's world, I don't think we need any more of these things.

As always, I welcome comments or ideas. Feel free to share. I'm not one for debate, so remember these are my beliefs and ideas. If you don't agree, that's okay. We can meet in the middle and agree to disagree. Hmmm. Now that's REAL compromise. 

In His Grace,
Teapotjan