A Teapot in the Dark

In my last regular post, I ended again with that long walk to my van. Faith gone. Disillusioned. Crying. Frightened. In spite of the bright August sun, I was in the dark. I didn't know anyone or anyplace I could look for guidance. All of my regular sources bore the stench of betrayal, and I turned inward.

I feebly attempted to appear happy. It was nice to stay at home, but I grew restless quickly. I tried to make up for the loss of income by clipping coupons, and looking for deals. And I learned that I HATED clipping coupons. (Seriously, still do). I started working fervently on a wedding for a friend, and that became a welcome distraction, but I still felt sick at heart, and numb. Numb, at least until the realization of what had happened in a place that I had loved and defended for years washed over me. So I capitulated between disinterest, empty euphoria, and tears. 

I had a health issue that had grown worse during the year or so before that made my emotions all the more volatile. After a falling out with the bride I was helping, I turned over all the work I had done, and was not able to see the fruits of my labor at the wedding. And, honestly, the dark got even darker. And I was bitter, bitter, bitter, and so sad. God had deserted me. I was sure of this. And Satan whispered often to me that I was of no worth, and that God was distant and uncaring.

There were many conversations with acquaintances that ended in "If you could just pray and find a good church, you will be so much better." At that point they might have well told me to slather my self in syrup and stand on ant hill. Prayers ended in tears and bitterness, and church services? They turned my stomach. "All these stupid people gobbling this stuff up. What have they done differently than me? Just wait. You'll all find out just how futile all of this is." This inner monologue went on and on. I am still grateful that no one could read my mind. It all just. . . . hurt, both physically and mentally.

It would be a wonderful thing to say that all of this is now resolved, and that every, single day I am a happy, giddy Christian flitting about Greenville with wings strengthened by God's grace, but that's a lie. Many days are still dark. The story of my dark times continues, but I will soon share what God does for a sad, short, stout gal who has lost her faith, and trust.

Even as I write this, my heart heaves with a recent, new hurt, and my emotional state is, let's say "fragile." (Goodness-I do seem to cry in some way with every single emotion. I am soooo not a Vulcan). I struggle with a loss of support from someone close to me. I know that God sent that person along to help me during the dark times after leaving Bob Jones. But, for now, due to a transgression on my part, that support is gone, and I'm not sure I will ever gain it back. 

I say that not to discourage, but to share a lesson I am learning right now, in this moment. Because God did bring me through those dark times before, and

He did show me the light even when I tried to close my eyes tight and turn away, I know that He is still there. He does still care. I know what my heart wants, but I am willing to follow Him, even if it pulls me away from people very dear to me. No, I don't want that to happen. Not. At. All. But God sees all, and He will provide what I need. He is never the problem. It's me. But, He loves me anyway. That's pretty amazing. 

So, my plan in my next post is to share a few more details of my lessons learned, and how God works in those details.

Prayers for all of you.

Serve God. Love others.

Teapotjan

Teapot's Interlude

Not enough time this week to finish another post, 

but this sums up a lot of my life.

Love,

Teapotjan

Teapot's Long Walk

At the end of my last post, Satan had delivered his one-two punch of guilt and self doubt. I was leaving a job I had truly loved, and a place that I had thought rested on the pinnacle of the Christian faith, and I was walking toward my van to leave both forever. And everything was black. Everything. My faith in man and God was gone, and I did not want to move forward.

I resigned of my own choice. But that decision was based on how the administration of my department had treated me as a woman, and co-worker, as well as the lack of support from the school administration. I had fought, since my husband had left the school two years before, to receive the same benefits as my male co-workers. After a long year of paying tuition for the only child enrolled at that time, and a struggle to work until five and throughout the summer without the benefit of paid child care, my struggles seem to pay off, and I was granted back tuition and child care. I was exceptionally happy, and I felt validated. The news came while my family was on vacation in South Dakota, and I actually looked forward to the end of vacation and my return to work.

Someone posted the other day on Facebook saying that if you can tell your story without crying, then you are healed. But, even four years later, I still can't talk or write about this without shedding a least a few tears. 

When I returned to work after vacation, things became much worse. I had a staff co-worker lie directly to my face, and then deny it. I overheard comments and implications about how I, along with one or two other department employees needed to be forced out because we demanded too much training for our student workers. And I found that many of the female students did not want to deal with that same co-worker because of the questionable things he said to them. Scheduling changes in training were made and I was not informed, along with many other actions and talks that I now realize were harassment. At one staff meeting, I made the statement that if I were a man, I would be more respected. One co-worker said to me under his

breath "You know, there's an operation for that."I did report it, and I was brushed aside. Yet I still heard in chapel, and in faculty staff meetings that all these kinds of decisions were made by godly men, making prayerful, godly choices. And I kept trying.

But day after day, I returned home from work, crying, stressed and sick. Rumors about me and my family flew around the school, and made their way to my church. It wasn't that I was worried about the rumors because that's just what they were. But it was those who heard them, knew they weren't true and did nothing. At all. In fact, the main rumormonger was promoted above to "keep him away from the students as you requested." As the school year passed, I knew I had to leave for my own health, and for my family.

That long walk was only a hundred feet or so, but by the time I reached the driver's side door, I had determined that God must be watching from very far away, if indeed He existed, and that I had been an idiot to trust that He would bother with me.

So, here I am again-at that van. The walk is over, but the next few months were very dark. Again, I say that if God had not watched over me, and lead me even in my blindness toward Him, I would not be here to write these words.

Next, I'll finish the details of those darkest months, and share how God in His wisdom and grace delivered me.

God is Good,

Teapotjan

The Teapot Has Left the Bubble! A Look Back

Way back at the start of spring before weddings, and graduations, and broken air conditioners, and cars that wouldn't start, and a few weeks with a sweet friend with Alzheimer's, and the loss of a beloved aunt, I wrote a blog about how some happenings had triggered a return of an old enemy: bitterness.

All the things in that list, along with a few recent ponderings brought that post back to mind, along with that same old feeling, along with its more malicious buddies, guilt and self-doubt. I think these three emotions are some of Satan's most malicious weapons in the lives of Christians.

If you know me, or have read any of my posts, you know that I have physically stepped away from the IFB (Independent Fundamental Baptist) movement and all of the churches, speakers, and groups similar to or related to them. In fact, four years ago on August 27th, 2011, I walked out of the entrance building on the campus of Bob Jones University, leaving behind a job of 11 years, and a lifetime of IFB mentality. The Bubble surrounding the university and all of its satellite churches, had popped for me, and the regular world loomed before me. And, as I walked to my vehicle, my faith in God dropped out from under me.

I was scared. I was angry. I felt betrayed, abused, used, stupid, and very, very alone. And that's where I left that post long ago back in April.If God had not smothered me in His grace, I'm not entirely sure I'd be alive to write this post. That was not a good state for someone who already battled clinical depression.
The problem was, and still is at times, that much of what I had been taught all my life had been man's opinion of God's Word. I had based my life choices on these teachings. I worked at being the "ideal Christian" daughter, teen, college student, wife, school teacher, and mom. When I failed, as I often did, the guilt could be overwhelming. It seemed incredibly difficult to be what God wanted me to be-futile really. But, I was assured Sunday after Sunday that this was the way a Christian's life should be spent: in a desperate struggle to attain Christlikeness. Cue the song "I've Got the Joy-Joy-Joy-Joy Down in My Heart" in a minor key.

Oh the guilt, the wretched, wretched guilt. Not repentance. Just a hopeless feeling of guilt of not being good enough. Of failing yet again. Paying for a moment of what I thought was guilty pleasure with far more guilt than pleasure. 

On the way home today, I had a flash back when Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs" came floating out of my van speakers. I instinctively reached out to change the station because that song had been "uncheckable" since 1975 until about 2011 for me. I laughed, and then listened to this "evil" song that had I listened to only when my parents, pastor, and teachers would not know of my grave indiscretion. Some of you may think I'm exaggerating, but those who grew up as I did know that I truly am not.

And then? As I continued to listen to the innocuous, but "uncheckable" lyrics, I became bitter. Just for a moment. But there it was. Flashes of the lecture on the evils of rock and pop music ran through my mind. Good grief! What a religion to cause good-hearted, God-loving people to feel guilty over listening to anything

secular besides very old songs,opera and classical music! How does that help the cause of the Gospel?

The answer is that it does not. If Satan can use guilt to cripple one of God's children to the point of hopelessness, then he has scored a victory. A hopeless, guilty Christian will never be as effective in God's service as a Christian who has embraced the full knowledge of God's grace. And after enough years of guilt, and failure? Cue the self-doubt.

I remember thinking as a young mother that I failed my children everyday that they didn't go over their verses for Awana, or when I was just too tired to get to church on my own. (My husband's schedule has always been difficult, so I was often a "single" mom through no fault of his). I also remember, the passive-aggressive suggestions from leaders in the church and their wives that I surely could do better in my attendance, all the while never offering to help or making one phone call for encouragement. Hmmmm. That's another blog post right there.
I wallowed in self-doubt. I asked for help, and I was told to "believe and pray." I already was. But, I thought I must be doing that wrong, too. Yay! Guilt AND self-doubt. Satan delivered his one-two punch, and I was down for the count.

This is getting long, but up next, is that walk to my van.   

Prayers and blessings,

Teapotjan

Southern Teapot- Recent FB post

As most of you know, I am deeply proud of my Southern heritage. The words "y'all" and "yonder" are as sweet to my ears as the tea I drink is to my tongue. I fiercely support my local BBQ place as the best. And I can cook a pot of grits, buttermilk biscuits, and a pan of cornbread with my eyes closed.

My family on both sides has been here since the late 1600's. And many of them fought in the Revolutionary War, and then their prodigy fought for the Confederacy. A few of them owned slaves. Others fought in the war to preserve their way of life, and maintain state's rights. But most were the product of their time, I'm sure, and they viewed black slavery as a good use for an "lesser, and ignorant race of human."

The South was, and is still strong. We will not lose that strength by "giving in to the liberals" that want the Confederate flag removed from the state house grounds. We will gain strength by uniting with those that are not just offended, but hurt by the sight of it. Their family stories still echo with the sounds of a whip, and the cry of their great grandparents. Their picture albums contain scenes of a relative hanging by the neck from a tree. How many of us white Southern folks have the emotions those memories evoke each time we see the Rebel flag?

No, we can't give in to everyone's offenses. We will cave as a society. Maybe that is coming. Maybe this is a precedent. But, I'm not will to support anything that hurts my fellow Americans as much as the Confederate Flag's presence on SC State House grounds hurts so many. It's time to take it down, and put it in a museum as a dark reminder of a dark practice. 

The South is strong, but we used our strength to hurt. We shouldn't forget that, so do not banish that flag to obscurity. Put it on display in museums. Teach our children about it and speak of it as symbol of what misplaced loyalties and misused strength can do. Show all of our children, black and white and all other shades, that respect of all human life is part of God's commandment: Love one another.

 Love y'all! Teapot

The Tempestuous Times of Teapot's Tempest

Apologies to my readers, and myself for waiting so long to post. I need this outlet, but I've let the tempest overtake me for awhile. I think I owe you all a quick update.

I started on my Masters degree last fall. Two classes down, and eleven more to go! I am waiting to sign up for the last class of this session to take my third class because my oldest daughter is getting married in May right after Memorial Day. We are putting this extravaganza together in about three months time in order to accommodate a dear friend and adopted family member who will be deployed soon. His presence is a must, so we are happily pressed for time. It will be a delight to include him in our family celebration!

In addition to this wedding, another very close friend, who is like my sister, has a son getting married in July. I'm helping coordinate that celebration and the push for that one is on as well! Oh, and my youngest finishes high school in a few weeks with all the parties, and hoopla that entails. I guess I'm a teapot IN a tempest.

All of this, along with job and family, leaves little time for blogging. But, at times, my heart overflows and I feel I must get back to sharing what I'm learning on this journey from guilt to grace. It's not easy, and I trip, and back track, and fail, but the goal is still the same: to serve God and love others.

My return, though late, has to do with something that has been around for a while. Frankly, I thought this matter had been put to rest. But more and more of late, it creeps its ugly way back into my mind as a tool of Satan I'm sure. Here I sit on my computer, a fifty-three year old mother of three, saved since I was five, and I have to fight doubt about my faith. No, I can't believe it either, but there it is. This isn't a question of my salvation. It's much bigger than that. 

When I first felt that I must leave my job at a certain Christian University, I had already begun to question why I believed what I did. As that situation grew worse, and my heroes fell from their high places, I began to doubt. Big Time. Call it cynicism if you will, but I began to examine their teachings, and all the things that I had been taught as absolute truth and doctrine since I was born, literally. And in that examination I found many, many, many problems. Much of my fundamentalist training was based on OPINION! Not fact, not even interpretation, but some man's so-called "blessed" of the Holy Spirit; Bible-thumping; say-it-louder-until-these-idiot-sinners-understand; can-I-get-an -amen? brow-wiping OPINION that came to them while driving down the road in their Lincoln town car on the way to another meeting. 

Most of us who have left fundamentalism have been labeled as "bitter." And,in all honesty, I have to say I have struggled with it, especially at the start. I looked back at all the guilt I had endured. All the culottes I had sewed and worn, along with the lace my mom sewed on the bottom of a dress to make it "long enough." I thought about the hoops we had to jump through to be "good" Christians, and all the hell-fire-and-brimstone messages I had heard, and I got bitter. Still do, sometimes.

I grew up thinking that Hell was the reason we were to be good. And we should put up every stop sign and blockade necessary to keep people from following the wrong road to Hell. The emphasis was Hell, and eternal damnation. And so many of us were saved, not into God's grace, but from Hell, and we had to live our lives in an exact way to prove it. It was considered loving to buttonhole a person and tell them they were "Going straight to Hell" unless they repented.
     
It was at this point, that my faith went out from underneath me. I don't think those around me realized how bleak it was for me. They believed my tears

and upset caused by the loss of a job I had loved, and a way of life I had dreamed about since youth. That was part of it. But, much deeper, it was the loss of my belief that God was in control, and that Godly men had prayed and done His will in all these things. They had not. They couldn't have. A lot of what they had said were virtually lies. They were pompous, egotistical MEN who forced their way into congregations, denominations, and Christian universities. It all became a sham to me. I've studied communications and psychology a long time, and I recognized the spin they had put on their sermons, and rules, and all of their . . . . . um, manure. And, believe me, I was bitter.

In my next post, I'll deal with what had recently brought some of this bitterness back, and how God is helping me to get past it. Here's a news flash: God is AWESOME, ETERNAL, FAIR, AND LOVING. He did not leave me in this dark time. I'll share more next time.

Serve God. Love others!
Teapotjan.

Teapot's Theory about Hell

I seemed to have caused quite a stir when I mentioned I had come up with a personal theory concerning eternal punishment for those who do not accept Christ. This is truly just a personal study. I didn't get this from anyone. It isn't a revelation that came in a dream. It's just my study, and my thinking about what I have gleaned from my reading. With that said, I had a few readers ask me, with good reason, if I still believed in a literal Hell. 

To start off, yes I do. I'm including a sampling of verses from my study. It's not all inclusive by any means. All quoted verses are from the English Standard Version.The Scripture is clear that there is a place of punishment for those who do not accept God's gift of eternal life. One of the most obvious references is in the story of Lazarus in Luke 16: 23: "And in Hades, being in torment, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham far off and Lazarus at his side." Matthew 13: 41-42 states: "The Son of Man will send his angels, and they will gather out of his kingdom all causes of sin and all law-breakers, and throw them into the fiery furnace. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." That's very clear. No change in translation or context for these verses, they say what they say.

One of the counter verses that comes up is I Thessalonians 1:9: "They will suffer the punishment of eternal destruction, away from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his might." I see the words "eternal destruction, I do. But from other studies of God's grace and love, it was hard for me, personally, to believe that God would make any of His creation suffer for eternity. I am imperfect and petty, but my human thought process could see no reason for eternal suffering for anything or any being. And as I continued my search, I saw a pattern emerge.

It was the words "away from the presence of the Lord" that caught my attention. To be without the light of His love, and have the mantle of his Grace yanked away seems a terrible thing to me. So I reviewed verses concerning the fate of Satan and his followers. And the pattern that emerged was one of opposites.

Matthew 10:28 "And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell."

Psalm 145:20 "The Lord preserves all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy."

John 3:16“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."

Finally, the wording from the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah in Jude 1:7 "Just as Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding cities, which likewise indulged in sexual immorality and pursued unnatural desire, serve as an example by undergoing a punishment of eternal fire." Sodom and Gomorrah no longer exists. Those cities are gone. But, the description says "eternal fire." As far as my limited knowledge of Greek and Hebrew takes me, the term "eternal fire" does not change from verse to verse.

In looking at this contrast, I see that eternal LIFE is the opposite of eternal DEATH. The verses concerning eternal damnation and eternal suffering all seem to me to show that the final end of Satan and his followers is annihilation when they are cast into the lake of fire mentioned in the book of Revelation. They will be destroyed. Gone. Cease to exist. Making their efforts until that point useless and empty. What a terrible thing to realize that everything you have ever done resulted in nothing, and you will not be remembered. You will be gone.

This theory hasn't changed my drive to serve God or to share the Gospel with others, and it should not change yours. No matter if I'm right or wrong, I know one thing for sure. Our God is just, holy, omniscient, immutable, and omnipotent and He will do what is right. Period.

Serve God,

Love Others!

Teapotjan

Nothing-----I mean ----NO ONE Between My Soul and My Saviour

I dearly love my father. He lives with me, and my family. He will be eighty-eight years old on St. Patrick's day this year. I am his only child, and he still watches over me as fiercely as his did when I was little. He is my hero.

Dad with his favorite dessert,
banana pudding.

He was saved in his early thirties, not long before he married my mother, and about two years before 

I was born. My folks were learning Christians when I was born. And being in the south, and being in the Bible belt, they grew in the Lord through fundamentalist churches. Yes, that is possible. God works in spite of human failings and misinterpretations. And I grew up as a "born-again, KJV Bible-believing, rapture-expecting, in-church-every-time-the-doors-open, marching-in-the-Lord's army, no-pants-wearing, no-cartoon-watching-or-unecessary-work-on-Sunday, don't-question-the

Shook his sweaty hand so much
his ring would fly off and hit
someone. Saw it firsthand.

'man of God,' independent Baptist, daughter-of-the-church-pianist, treasurer, deacon and adult Sunday school class teacher and his lady-fellowship-speaking, sing-in-the-choir, teach-the-little-kids Sunday school teacher." Can I get an amen? (At this point, if I were one of my old pastors, I'd wipe my brow with a large handkerchief and take a sip of water from the cup that one of the deacons had hidden in the pulpit). 

That being said, my dad is a loving and kind man. While he was, and is, part of the fundamentalist camp, his walk with the Lord has always been tempered with love. But even now, I see some of that old learning creeping into our conversations.

Today, we were talking about what the Bible actually says about the fate of those who do not choose God's gift of eternal life. I told him that I had been putting a lot of deep thought and study into it and had come to my own conclusions. That conclusion was contrary to the idea of eternal suffering and pain that we had always been told was a solid tenet based on Scripture. I gave several verses, peppered with a few greek word translations, and he listened intently. When I was done, he looked at me and asked, "did someone tell you this and you are buying into what they say?" I told him that to the contrary, this was my own study and my own interpretation of what I had read. And then it happened. My father shook his head and said "Deep thinking is a tool of Satan."

NO, NO, NO!

It all came back in a sweeping flood of doubt and confusion, a feeling that I should not have questioned what I had always been taught. That I should take some preacher man's word for what I believed. I'm a woman after all and I should be submis. . . . wait. The flood halted.

My conclusion did not contradict Scripture. It didn't change that we need to witness and bring all into God's grace that we can. It only changed another person's interpretation of Scripture that isn't as set as I was led to believe. That's all.

 And I stand before God as myself redeemed by Christ's sacrifice. He is my only advocate to God. Not my husband. Not a preacher. Not any other human. Me. Janet, deep-thinker and servant of God. No one between.

Teapotjan,

Beloved of God, and 

child of the King

"Better than I deserve"

How many times have you asked a good man or woman how they are and received the answer: "Better than I deserve!" My initial reaction the first time I heard it was to smile, and think "What a lovely, humble answer." And I don't really mind it now, except that in some ways I do. . . 

I understand what it means. We don't deserve to enter Heaven's gates. We don't deserve God's grace and mercy. Got it. Truly. I humbly admit that I am a sinner who can never,ever live up to God's holy standard. I fail at it every day.

But do we "deserve" to be miserable, in ill health, and in poverty on this earth as opposed to being happy, healthy, and employed? Is that God's plan for His children? In His word, does He say that we are to be less than happy? We suffer from the effects of the Fall and from sin entering creation, but does that lessen or diminish what we deserve?

Recently, since I am still on this journey from guilt to grace, I started pondering that saying.

There are over eighty verses in the Bible concerning "joy"and a dozen or more concerning "prosperity." Third John 1:2 says "Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth." John writes to those he teaches and leads about prospering in life, health, and in Christ. 

"So," you say, "what's your point, Teapot?" Well, here goes. . . Those of us who grew up in big "F" Fundamentalism spent most of our lives being told we were nothing, pitiful, awful beings, unworthy of love, unworthy of happiness, scum fit only to be scraped off the shoes of the Almighty. Being so lowly, any happiness that we enjoyed was "more than we deserve." I can't tell you how many services I left feeling useless and completely unworthy to serve God. 

Maybe some of my fellow churchgoers were driven to service by those hopeless words, but I found them discouraging and belittling to my self image and my worth in Christ. I mean if I'm so lowly, what good am I and why would God want me to serve Him? I already struggled with a low self image, and the knowledge that I didn't really fit in to most places, and I was constantly told by men I respected that I was bad, bad, bad. I have to tell you that did not help stave off the depression!

But I live under Grace now. I realize that God thought me worthy enough to send His Son to die for me. He endowed me with certain talents, and a certain personality. He made me unique. He loves and cherishes ME. If us mere humans take that much trouble for someone we want them to prosper and be happy-correct? Then how much more does a perfect and loving God want for us?  

I'm not teaching a prosperity Gospel. I don't think that serving God equals riches and goods like some well-know television preachers preach. I do firmly believe that He wants us to enjoy our time on the earth He created. He makes the everyday things like sunsets and sunrises extraordinarily beautiful.Our toddlers smile and gurgle like angels. He allowed us to invent ways to consume chocolate, and steak, and potatoes, and ice cream. We live in an imperfect world because of sin, but He has still provided a universe of beauty, pleasure, and happiness.


So, if you ask me how am I, I'll be thinking: "I'm blessed and enjoying what God has provided for me. I hope I can get more! He loves me and He wants the very best for me!" But, since that reply usually gets me strange looks, I'll probably say "I'm doing okay!"

Living a prosperous life,

Teapotjan