Facing Fears

Back at the end of June, and before the startling month of July, I wrote about the fear involved in leaving the familiar ways of Fundamentalism. As God often does, He used several circumstances to teach me more. As I do, I delved into a bit of depression, and doubt. July has been a long, hard month for one reason or another, but it has been a month of learning, change, crying, laughing, doubt, and assurance.

Since leaving my last job, I've encountered more extreme ups and downs on my emotional roller coaster than normal. The lack of my own personal income limits my monetary ability to give to foreign missions, but that lack also helps me find new ways to contribute. The lack of a scheduled job distracts me from achieving goals, but gives me the time needed when I am focused. And the lack of needed room in my home frustrates me, even while those causing it are precious to me. I have the opportunity to reach for a dream, but I have many obstacles to overcome before reaching it. And of course, during these ups and downs, that old feeling of fear and the longing for the familiar crept up on me at the worst of times. 

One of those fears? Confronting those for whom I feel responsible. Truly, I hate confrontation, but I often find myself needing to initiate it. The biggest problem with that? I can no longer fall back on the pat phrases and teachings of my earlier church days. "Because I said so" and "Because that's the ways it's always been," and "because that's what Dr.Nowayjose said" no longer cuts it. After thinking on my own, and having my mind opened by the Holy Spirit, I must seek out the true, biblical reason that supports my objection to an issue. Self-doubt rears up, but, if I approach the person, or persons with the right attitude and prayerfully confront them, a surprising thing happens: amazing truths come out of my mouth! Many times after a confrontation, I'm astounded at what I have said, and I realize that it was not me and my wisdom, but that of God. He brings things from His Word to my mind from a great sermon heard years ago. Or an illustration will pop up in my head that fits the situation perfectly, and I recall it like it happened the day before instead of in the 80's. This must be what the Bible refers to as being a vessel for God's use, and it is a gift and a blessing when it happens. God requests me do something that I hate and fear, and then uses it to bless me when I obey! 

Next post, another fear. In the meantime, I would appreciate prayers for strength and motivation. I am starting up an art studio, but I have several obstacles as I mentioned. My plan is to use the money made not only to help support my family, but to help further the Gospel. It is my heart's desire to use the creative gift God gave me to His Glory.

Full Steam Ahead!

Teapotjan