Steeping in Guilt

Less than perfect. We've all felt that way. Goodness, by our very nature we are all less than perfect. Trouble comes when our feelings of inadequacy take us over and cripple us from doing anything. Without help we can completely shut down and no longer be able to take care of ourselves, help others, and lose all hope of serving God. A larger problems looms when that "help" comes from judgmental, our-way-or-no-way, legalistic christians.

I go back to my earlier post Tea Cozy of Clay. I mentioned that my son was going through behavioral problems, and I was seeking help. My fears were that I had ruined his life and faith by some terrible thing I had or had not done or some thing I had or had not taught, or by missing a church service or failing to teach the right bible lesson or not spanking enough . . .and the list goes on and on. I was as much as told so by the pastor of my church, and by the looks of pity I received when my son pulled a boyish prank or didn't behave like a perfect, fit-in-the-mold son. I so wanted him to change and behave and my cheeks burned with shame. Shame turned to guilt, guilt turned to anger, and anger turned to bitterness. And in turn, I spread that bitterness to my son. If you are steeped in bitterness, bitterness is what you brew.

I looked for help with the youth pastor, nothing but a lesson plan for Bible study with no follow through. I asked some young men for help by mentoring. No one had the time. I asked at his christian school. That got me a "you're not doing your job and you're leading that boy down the wrong path." Oddly enough, all of this actually led me to be turned down for several positions at a nearby christian university since I obviously was ineffective because my son misbehaved. I no longer wanted to serve at church or attend because I hated hearing what others thought I could not about my son. No help. No encouragement, and nothing but an empty promise of prayer that I'd find something or someone to help. 

Let's fast forward to present day. My son does not serve the Lord. He is agnostic, and skeptical. He is inventive, proud, smart, funny, arrogant, and opinionated. And I LOVE him. He still lies even though I'm not sure he thinks I know it and he is far from perfect. And I still LOVE him. And he loves me. We still talk about the Bible, and faith. He talks, I listen. I talk and he listens. But I'm sure that he will never, ever listen to those who said he needed to fit into one kind of mold. And neither will I. I have tasted that cup of bitter tea, and I don't think I can handle it again.

On his birthday, just a few days ago, he wrote a comment on another entry on this blog: "I don't think you understand how great a mother you are. No one is perfect, but you have the biggest and most giving heart of anyone most people have ever met. I know that no one will ever love me more than you do, and I'm incredibly lucky to have you as a mom. . . . " That comment made for a very nice cup of tea indeed. And because of our relationship, I hold to God's promise that my son will come to Him.

I'm not perfect. I won't be until I see Heaven. None of us will. But in grace I know that I taught my son of Christ's love and gift of eternal life, and I am praying that he will see Christ's love in me. I love him. But, I do want him to change in one way. I want him to accept the Lord if he has not done so, and I want him to serve Christ as he is led by his own convictions and talents. I want to walk in Heaven with all of my children and praise Christ with them for eternity. I steep in the grace of God's love and forgiveness. 

Us imperfect people, we need help sometimes. Not judgment. Not a list of all the things we should be. But a loving hand, a whispered heartfelt prayer, and reminders of how God sees us as perfect through Christ's sacrifice. If you need help, seek out someone who speaks of changing through God's grace. If you know of someone who needs help, reach out in love. Don't turn away or spew platitudes and empty promises. 

Christ admonished us to love one another. And steeping and saturating in His love makes our brew the sweetest and best for ourselves and others.